Full Moon On a Cold November Morning

full moon,

4 am,

bright, cold, November morning,

Nicholson and Hell’s Angels,

playing on the television,

writing words as they come,

words that will be long gone,

by the light of day;

I think of you,

holding you,

being with you,

making love to you;

one night,

one moment,

one chance,

gone forever;

loving you,

is like loving the wind,

unreachable,

untouchable,

here today;

gone tomorrow.

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everyday

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:25-27

“Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39

That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:15-16

And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. John 6:35

some hold on a little

longer,

some a little less,

but eventually,

the sun sets

on us all,

in the end we

become equal,

as cruel as this

might seem,

at least it is

unconditional and

without favor;

God is no respecter

of persons;

I think about all the

missed opportunities,

all the special individuals,

all the moments which

slipped through my fingers,

the chances to tell them

how very unique they were,

how much I loved them,

but the time came and went;

now they are gone;

everyday I wait for freedom,

everyday I hang on for tomorrow,

everyday I fight the battle,

everyday I lose the war;

life is not about happiness and joy,

not about self-discovery,

not about self-satisfaction, or

self-motivation, or any kind of self

at all;

life is about love

and forgiveness,

about doing unto others

as you would have them

do unto you,

about coming to the

realization that we all have

fallen short,

that none of us are going

to escape on our own,

life is about loving God

with all your mind and

heart;

everyday I wait for freedom,

everyday I hang on for tomorrow,

everyday I fight the battle,

everyday I lose the war.

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Friend

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I watch you blossom,

I hear the joy in your voice,

I see the happiness on your face,

I feel the peace inside your heart;

my beautiful desert flower,

my warm, sweet dream,

my refuge within the storm,

my last pure thought;

you are my friend,

I love you unconditionally,

I love you completely;

I always have,
I always will.

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Indignity

around 4 am it finally comes,

it seems to take longer now,

slower,

deliberate,

more mindful,

this is how it is

when you get older,

the way it was meant

to be;

recovery is never quite

the same;

I remember many things,

things no one knows,

things about which

no one cares,

hot summer nights,

stars shining in the sky

like newly discovered jewels,

fresh and clean,

your skin,

soft and warm,

your touch;

like a long lost friend;

the end draws closer,

not much longer now,

I am ready,

all the bags are packed,

I have been waiting

for such a very long time,

soon the indignity will stop,

the suffering fade;

soon enough,

soon enough;

a quiet, peaceful sanctuary

amidst the storm,

a final sleep

before the breaking dawn.

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Through It All

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”   John 14:6-7

I have been on both sides of the fence,

I have been everywhere in-between,

physically,

emotionally,

spiritually,

financially;

I have worked for hundreds

of thousands of dollars,

I have worked for minimum wage,

I have tasted a life of privilege,

I have known the hopelessness

of poverty,

I have witnessed first hand,

the devastation of losing

everything,

I have worked at a desk,

using only my mind and fingers,

I have worked back-breaking jobs

no one should have to do;

I have seen people at their best,

I have seen people at their worst;

I have entered dark places from

which very few survive,

I have stood on the edge,

as the god of this world

quietly whispered in my ear;

“just one more step”;

I have seen demons,

dark and evil,

drive past in a car,

as I rode a bike down the road;

laughing,

mocking;

I have talked with an angel,

her name was Vena,

she held my hand,

as I lay in a hospital bed

having a heart attack,

I have seen people destroyed,

by the very things from which

I was saved;

through it all,

You have been there

for as long as I can

remember,

quietly watching,

softly calling,

patiently waiting,

through it all, You have

lifted me up when I could not

stand on my own,

saving me when no one

else could,

protecting me when no one

else would,

through it all, You have

given me an education

that no college could provide,

no amount of money

could buy,

teaching me humility

and compassion,

helping me to stand,

allowing me to fall,

showing me the illusion

surrounding this world,

the lies that trap so many,

who do not even know

they are trapped;

no one makes it out of this life

without You,

no one comes to the Father

but though You.

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Doc

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.   Matthew 5:13

he’s as much a part of the valley,

as the rocks,

the trees,

the mountains,

the earth;

5 minutes after you meet him,

you've known him

all your life,

the ‘salt of the earth,’

the brother you never had,

the friend you can count on,

everything good, in a world

of conceit and hypocrisy;

he lives the life,

others only talk about,

he walks the walk,

very few are willing to try,

never crying or complaining,

wild and free;

he makes you better

just by knowing him.

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workshop

I thought about writing again,

but then I got a stomach ache,

so I thought;

to hell with it;

besides, what would it prove?

I really don’t care to be

psycho-analyzed,

by some middle aged, mildly attractive,

poet wannabe, named Diane,

searching for meaning in a poem

about women at the dmv,

scrutinizing every line for political

and technical correctness;

I would buy her a drink however;

if I thought there wouldn’t be a test

afterwards;

it is rather amusing though,

to find out there really are people

out there,

attempting to learn how to write

this bullshit,

it makes me wonder if it’s poetry

they’re trying to master;

or life;

because I never saw any difference

between the two.

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A Day at Barnes & Noble

started reading The ‘Best American Poetry for 2014’,

I never knew that ‘lifestyle’ was an art form, but

apparently it is, or at least a requirement,

to be one of the ‘best’;

they play ‘Hark The Herald’ over the loudspeaker,

as we sit reading our books, drinking our drinks,

green tea for me, mocha frappuccino for her;

“they’re using Jesus to put people in the

shopping mood” I tell her,

“selling Christmas before Thanksgiving;”

they play flamenco music;

“what does that have to do with Christmas?” she asks,

“it’s all part of setting the mood” I tell her;

“part of the artistic, cynical, sarcastic, bourgeois,

intellectual, bullshit mood;”

she laughs;

“I’m giving you rare insight” I say, “I’m letting

you see how my mind really works, I don’t

let many people see that;”

“why am I the lucky one?” she dryly replies;

now it’s my turn to laugh;

I begin writing thoughts down in the

back of the book,

“better take good care of this” I say,

“someday, after I am gone, this will be worth

big bucks;”

she remains quiet, browsing her book;

“imagine finding a hand-written Bukowski

in the back of a book, besides,

they’re not coming like they used too,

this could be the last one

I ever write;”

“you can call it ‘A Day at Barnes & Noble,” she says;

“good idea,” as I quickly scribble it down, “thanks;”

“Merry Christmas,” she replies.

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Full Moon on a November Morning

full moon,

4 am,

bright November morning,

Jack Nicholson and Hell’s Angels,

playing on television,

writing words as they come,

words that will be long gone,

by the light of day;

I think of you,

holding you,

being with you,

making love to you;

one night,

one moment,

one chance;

gone forever;

loving you,

is like loving the wind,

unreachable,

untouchable,

here today;

gone tomorrow.

.

.

and so it goes

I see everything,

I see nothing,

I hear everything,

I hear nothing,

I know everything,

I know nothing;

and so it goes,

on and on;

lost seconds,

sacred moments,

silently slipping by,

yesterday’s news rotting

in the grave,

empty houses crumbling

to the ground,

make-believe victories

whispering in the night;

growing,

building,

gnawing;

evening shadows grow,

memories, like some ancient river,

continue to flow,

listening for tomorrow,

dreaming of today;

and so it goes,

on and on;

you think you see,

you think you hear,

you think you know;

but;

you see nothing,

you hear nothing,

you know nothing;

on and on,

and so it goes.

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.

at last

green, majestic ridges,

rolling lazily, across

bright, blue skies,

too beautiful,

too wonderful;

a place only

dreamed about;

it is here,

where the road ends,

it is here,

that tomorrow begins,

no more uncertainty,

no more empty promises,

the final home,

the last stand;

freedom,

at last;

they have taken

all there is to take,

the last hope,

the final drop,

nothing more to give,

nothing left to lose;

freedom,

at last;

together, we shall face

the approaching night,

together, we shall walk into

the growing light;

freedom,

at last.

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even Einstein knew that

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only changed or altered in form – a condensation of the first law of thermodynamics, and one of the principles for Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity.

I've learned a few things

in this life of mine,

things that no one else knows,

or takes the time to see;

for example;

I know that rock n roll

began in 1948,

in the form of a simple

country blues song

called boogie chillun,

by a man

who would influence

a whole generation,

but never get the credit

that was his due;

and I know,

that I have seen a true prophet

of God,

walk this earth,

during my lifetime,

in the shape of a man,

and that I have heard his voice,

just as so many others did,

but that very few recognized him

for who he truly was,

but that someday they will;

just like all the other prophets

who came before him;

I know that this life

is not what it seems,

that it is an illusion,

designed to deceive and fool,

a very elaborate illusion,

but an illusion

just the same;

I know that Jesus Christ

was exactly who he said he was,

just as the words of the bible

say precisely what they mean,

and are not hiding

ancient secrets,

or theological mysteries,

despite how many scholars

say they are,

that the truth is so simple,

only the simple

can see it;

whether the rest of the world

wants to believe it

or not;

I know that nothing

in this life

is an accident,

that it was all planned out

from the beginning,

every detail,

every chance encounter,

that the energy

we carry inside,

can never be destroyed,

only changed

or altered in form;

hell;

even Einstein knew that.

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Rejoice

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.   Philippians 4: 4-7

the cold black night,

quietly closes in,

the pain steadily intensifies,

blinding and overwhelming,

becoming more than I think

my spirit can possibly bear,

hope slowly fades,

rage fills my mind and heart,

bitterness and anger grow,

until it feels as though

I am about to burst;

the enemy silently waits,

ready for the final kill;

then You reach out across the

long lonely miles,

using unsuspecting and unexpected

messengers,

gently reminding me that

You are near,

softly speaking words of encouragement,

renewing my faltering spirit,

providing new found courage,

making it possible to rise once again;

the pain begins to dissolve,

the darkness turns to light,

hope comes flooding in like

a mighty river,

Your blessed peace surrounds me,

like a well worn blanket,

the enemy retreats,

back into the blackness

from which he came;

once more, You have delivered me

from unseen traps and snares,

once more, You have brought hope

where there was none to be found,

once more, You have saved me

through Your never ending

mercy and grace;

I will rejoice in You,

I will declare Your wondrous love,

I will praise Your holy name,

forever.

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Down the Road Where You Lead

amidst the lost and lonely emptiness,

of this long cold night,

I search for Your wonderful presence,

throughout the constant bombardment

and battering, of the enemies cruel and

vicious attacks,

I cry out for You;

O Lord,

be real within my mind and heart,

do not be distant and far away,

reach out Your mighty hand,

bring forth Your glorious mercy and grace,

show Your servant blessed favor,

silence the careless words of anger and hurt,

rolling off my venomous tongue,

remove the thoughts of evil and lust,

clouding my flesh-driven mind,

pull me from this iniquity and filth,

I find myself drowning in;

I cannot make it any other way,

I have tried so many times before,

I have searched for so very long,

I have walked in darkness all my life;

You are the only answer,

You are the only truth,

You are the only light,

You are the only way;

save me Lord,

heal my broken spirit,

shelter me from the gathering storm,

guide my every step,

fill me with Your perfect love,

teach me Your righteous and holy ways;

remove anything not of You;

down the road where You lead,

will I travel;

Yours is the face I will seek,

for all the days of my life.

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The One I Praise

Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jeremiah 17:14

I have traveled so far,

still I return, to this place

where I once began,

this land of degradation and pain,

where darkness and silence live

hand in hand;

I have traveled so far,

yet have I gone nowhere?

deliver me O LORD,

do not give me more than my

broken spirit can bear,

do not leave me here to face

the enemy I could never

overcome alone;

in You will I place my trust,

in You will I seek my hope,

in You will I find my salvation,

in You will I enter my rest;

touch me that I might be healed,

test me that I may be confirmed,

turn me from paths that do not lead to You,

teach me how to walk in Your light;

for if You heal me O LORD,

I will be healed,

if You save me,

I will be saved;

for You are the One

I praise.

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This One's For You Scott

had a meeting today,

with all the big boys,

it made me realize,

just how small

I really am;

I sat there a long time

after that meeting,

just staring at the pages

of an open tech manual;

I thought about a good friend

I knew once,

I thought about the times we got

falling down drunk together,

laughing our asses off, and

how I loved him, like the brother

I never had,

I thought about how he sat in his car,

in the parking lot of the navy prototype,

in upstate New York,

put a gun to his chest;

and pulled the trigger;

I thought about what he must have felt,

all the things which went through his head,

in those last few seconds;

and now I knew;

now I knew what it felt like,

to have your soul raped,

and be powerless to prevent it;

fuck all the big boys everywhere,

they got it all covered,

they always did,

but they’re not going to take me,

they never will,

no matter how much shit they pile on,

if you wait long enough,

even this passes,

just like everything else;

this one’s for you Scott (brother).

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A Dime a Dozen

there are many things

I want to say to her,

I want to tell her I am sorry,

for the pain I have put her through,

time after time,

for the love I have thrown away,

again and again,

for the life I stole from her,

so many years ago;

so many things;

but I have said them all before,

only to rip her heart out, and

smash it on the stone cold

ground;

so I don’t;

I always mean, every word I say,

at the moment it is said,

but then the hunger returns,

the lies begin, and she is left

somewhere in the middle,

holding on to broken promises,

and shattered dreams,

as I try to pick up all the pieces, and

put them back together again;

before it is too late;

there are many things

I want to say to you baby,

but I know I never will,

because words are a

dime a dozen,

and with me,

they aren't worth the paper

they are written on.

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First Good Day

it was the first good day of spring,

warm, but not hot,

a mommy holding her little boy’s hand,

while daddy puts his arm around their little girl,

going for a walk, kind of day;

broke out the grill for dinner,

barbecued some chicken, and a leftover

london broil,

felt the warm sunshine and light cool breeze,

blowing softly on my skin,

it was the way a day should be;

calm and quiet;

even some of the pain felt less,

but not completely,

warm sunshine, and light cool breezes,

are never gonna take that away;

completely;

she sat beside me as I wrote,

neither of us saying a word,

we never do, and sometimes

that says a lot;

but not really;

yes, it was a very magnificent day,

it was the kind of day on which

a person could lay back,

take a deep breath and

die;

and feel very okay about it.

.

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Right Where I Want To Be

sometimes you get what

you want,

other times you don’t,

and occasionally;

you get more;

all in all, it tends to even out,

or at least that is what I've

been told,

but generally speaking,

you wind up settling,

making up excuses along the way,

convincing yourself, and others,

that this is exactly where you

want to be,

when the truth is,

it’s not even close;

but then it seldom ever is;

I think about things (sometimes),

how I joined the navy to be

a hospital corpsman,

attached to a marine unit, so I could be

right in the middle of the action,

taking a bullet, while saving a life,

dying a hero and leaving a nice corpse,

but I was either too late, or too early,

for all the good wars, so instead,

I ended up inside a hollow tube,

punching holes in the ocean,

which led to a nice cushy job, and the

American dream,

complete with a house, wife and kids,

and now here I am;

exactly where I want to be;

yeah,

that’s the ticket.

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Life's Little Truths

in 47 years,

I have only found a few things

to be true;

one is;

you can never make a woman

love you,

she either does, or she doesn’t,

and most of the time she doesn’t,

nothing that you do,

buying her gifts,

loving her with all your heart,

giving her anything she wants,

will change her mind, one way

or the other,

so don’t waste your time

or money;

another is;

despite all the books and philosophies,

stating otherwise,

in spite of all the self-help, get rich quick ads on TV,

regardless of all the Volvo driving, suburban

yuppies and dinks,

reaching for the brass ring, and great

American dream,

or any other dream for that matter,

in the end,

we all wind up the same,

so once again,

don’t waste your time or money;

oh yeah,

one more thing;

never! never! never! stop trying,

never stop trying to be a better person,

never stop trying to make it to tomorrow,

because in the end,

that’s the only thing that really

matters;

and that’s the only truth

you ever need to remember.

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Etc.

growing up,

I never wanted the normal things,

money, good job, family, etc.,

my vision was always a stage,

playing rock and roll music,

in front of huge, cheering crowds,

with everyone who never believed (in me),

who never thought I’d be much of anything,

old girl friends, parents, teachers, etc.,

sitting in the front row,

realizing just how wrong they

had been;

it was this vision,

that made me play so hard in sports,

even though I could have cared less,

about winning or losing,

it was the roar of a crowd,

during a touchdown run,

or game winning hit,

that I lived for,

and even though I talked about

all the other things,

teamwork, hustle, hard work, etc.,

tt was all bullshit,

it was never about anything

but adulation;

and payback;

my life was a lie then,

just as it is today,

as I go to my dead end job,

pretending to be a good husband, father,

co-worker, etc.,

talking about right and wrong, morality,

beliefs, etc.,

telling my daughter about teamwork,

hustle, hard work, etc.,

when inside, I’m still standing on that stage,

before thousands of screaming, adoring fans,

looking down at old girlfriends, parents, teachers, etc.,

screaming into the microphone;

“see!”

“you were wrong all along!”

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