Thursday, April 25, 2013

New Orleans


Down sultry winding streets we wander,
two becoming one,
wrapped safely around one another,
exploring new beginnings,
only to find
final and satisfying ends.

In my arms she lies,
naked and alone,
cool fan breeze blowing
across smooth exposed skin,
her love a shelter,
where I can safely hide,
a calm and peaceful harbor
where all is forgiven,
she fills me with her love,
and I have no need
for any other;
she overwhelms me;
this then shall be the place
where forever begins,
saying goodbye
to yesterdays and tomorrows
that never really were;
now is the time
for which it has all been played out.
.
.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Hypocrite



“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”   Luke 6:41-45

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying of each other.   Galatians 5:19-26

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
   I John 4:7-12

I struggle,
everyday I struggle,
I struggle against the desire,
against the lust,
against the greed,
against the flesh,
against the world;
how can I remove the speck
from my brother’s eye,
when I cannot even remove the plank
from my own?

I listen to your opinions,
I read your words of
vanity and self-righteousness,
everywhere is hatred and rage,
everywhere is judgment and condemnation;
hypocrite!
is not a tree known by it’s fruit?
no good tree bears bad fruit,
nor does a bad tree bear
good fruit;
who are you to judge?
who are you to pass sentence?
does not vengeance belong to the Lord?
.
.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

An Excuse


America loves war;
it is our passion,
the foundation
upon which we were built;
little boys play two things
when they grow up
in America;
sports and army;
every great American hero
was a war hero;
think about it.

Our entire culture,
everything that we are,
is built upon war
and the principles of war;
the revolution (both of them),
the civil war,
WW1 and 2;
to understand America
you must understand one thing;
America loves war;
it is our passion,
our foundation,
our pastime;
so the next time
you want to fly airplanes
into buildings,
or blow up bombs
killing children and
innocent individuals,
just ask yourself one question;
“do I really want to give them an excuse?”
.
.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

even Einstein knew that











even Einstein knew that

(A poetic journey from darkness to light)

W.F. Rhoads


























Table of Contents

Introduction

The Darkness

1          Hot Summer Nights
2          SON
3          Father
4          The Night
5          Oh Poet
6          Dead Places
7          Night Whore
8          The Bearded Man
9          Sigmund’s Full of Shit
10        Only For a Moment
11        Etc.
14        Last Play
16        Voices
17        Sometimes
18        Some Things
19        Colorado Gold Mining
20        This Guy at Work
21        Where Midnight is Forever
22        Cruel Intentions
23        Grocery Shopping
24        A Chip Off the Old Block
25        No Apologies Offered
26        A Dime a Dozen
27        This One’s for You Scott
28        Size Doesn’t Matter
29        Bad Asses
30        Love and Dead Poets
31        dead poets tell no tales
32        not even once
34        now I know
35        even Einstein knew that
37        sometimes now
39        This Prison

The Light

40        Parole
41        Mediocrity
42        Worthy
43        Forever
44        Yeshua
45        Through You
46        Lead Me O Lord
47        Jeremiah 17:14
48        Rejoice
49        Just Believe
50        He is There
51        Every Tear (Revelations 7:17)
52        Just The Same
53        Any Less
55        300 Miles Away (Please Wake Up America)
56        Everything
57        All That I Have
58        Just as He Promised
59        All Things Are Possible
60        A Son of God
61        Slave
62        Truth
63        The Way of Truth
64        Once Again (Luke 5:8)
65        I Know
66        Discipline
67        Every Breath
68        Where is Thy Sting? (I Corinthians 15:55)
69        The Comforter
70        Joshua
71        I Will
72        One Flesh
73        True Love
74        I Am So Close
76        Vanities and Vexation
77        In You
78        The Day is Near
79        Backup
81        In The End



Introduction

Imagine standing in a corridor so dark you can barely see your hand in front of your face. As you begin walking down this corridor, you bump into walls and bang into objects, with no idea what they are or where you are going. The darkness grows darker until eventually you are completely enveloped by a black veil, unable to see anything at all. Then off in the distance you see a light, just a spec at first, and you slowly begin to make your way towards it. As you get closer the light grows, until eventually it illuminates the passageway that you are standing in. In the light you can see the sad, pathetic state of your life. You can see all the imperfections and mistakes. For the first time you see yourself as you really are, all the things you could not see in the dark. Then out of the light comes a voice which tells you not to fear, just believe, that He can fix all the things you see wrong, if you only trust in Him. And it is a free gift, which He has already paid for.

This is a poetic journey from darkness to light, a journey that has been a lifetime in the making. In addition to salvation and eternal life, everything that I have, everything that I am, everything that I ever will be, I owe to the Lord Jesus Christ. Without His love and grace this story would be meaningless, just as life (any life) is meaningless without Him. All mankind owes Him more than can ever be repaid.

I can never remember a time when I did not believe in the Lord.  I accepted Jesus into my life as a child, where I periodically attended church, but I never allowed Him to become Lord of my life.  Around the time I was 20, I did ask the Lord to come back into my life, and I walked with Him for several months, but I was more interested in satisfying the desires of the flesh, as many are, and I fell away once more. There are many reasons for that but none of them are excuses, eventually we all have to make our own choices and be held accountable for them.  Fortunately, as He says in the bible, He never leaves us, (we leave Him), and I am here to testify that He always stands knocking just outside the door of our hearts, waiting for us to hear His voice and open the door to Him.

For the next 28 years I lived my life without the Lord.  To make a long story short, I got drunk, got high, did drugs, used prostitutes, committed fornication, dabbled in the occult, joined the Navy, got married, had children (3 daughters), had grandchildren, committed adultery and ended up making a mess of my life, and hurting everyone in it.  My marriage was basically over; I was making plans to move into a motel, and just a few days away from flying to be with a woman in Louisiana who I thought I had fallen in love with.  I was about to lose everyone and everything in my life that had come to mean something, everything that God had blessed me with over the years, in spite of my continuous disobedience to Him and my refusal to allow Him to be the Lord of my life.  Then I went to see Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” and for the first time in a long, long time I began thinking about the Lord.  For the first time I came to the full realization of just what it was He did for me, and everyone like me.

I began to realize just how selfish and self-serving I had become.  I began to see myself as I really was, not the grandiose image I had created in my mind.  The next day my wife (Dodie) said she had wanted to see the movie also. I told her I wouldn’t mind watching it again, if she wouldn’t mind going with me.  I didn’t expect the movie to have much of an effect on Dodie.  She had never expressed the slightest bit of interest in religion during our 24 years of marriage, and had never had any exposure to Christianity growing up as a child. However, much to my surprise, the movie had a very deep and visible effect on her, (as it did on me, for the second time).  Afterwards we talked a long time about Jesus and what the bible had to say about him.  For the first time in a long time we really opened up to each other.  I went through with my plans to move into the motel, but within a few days of seeing the movie I moved back into our home and canceled my plans to fly to the other woman.  The Lord moved in our lives in a very powerful and undeniable way.  Dodie began reading the bible and asking questions, which made me start reading the bible to find the answers.  He made us both come to the realization of just how badly we were in need of Him and His healing power.  We both began praying to Him and asking for His guidance.  We began studying the bible together and eventually were led to our local Nazarene Church, where Dodie accepted the Lord as her savior, and I asked Him to come back into my life and be the Lord and master of it forever.  Since then our marriage has continued to grow stronger as we both realize how blessed we are to have each other.  That God brought us together for a very real and definite purpose and that marriage is a very holy and serious commitment.  Is everything perfect in our lives?  Do we never have problems to face, or trials to overcome?  No, but not a day goes by that the Lord does not teach us something.  The most important of these lessons is that we need to trust in Him completely.  Proverbs 3:5-8 have become the cornerstone of everything in my walk with the Lord. Every day I try to read them or recite them to myself:

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil
It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

In His word He says that He chastises and admonishes those who He loves so I hope that He never stops correcting me when I am wrong, because then I will always know that He loves me, and that is the only thing which truly matters in this life. I hope and pray that if you do not know the Lord Jesus that you will ask Him into your life and begin the journey that leads to eternal life, and a relationship with God that you will never regret.

Someday “every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that Jesus is Lord” Isaiah 45:23, Philippians 2:10-11
















The Darkness

But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!

Matthew 6:13



Hot Summer Nights

In the dead of the night
the quiet becomes a roar,
as the stench of days gone by
and love that never was,
rises from their sewer pits
far below.

And no one ever notices,
except the few
who recognize the familiar scent,
for it is one
they have smelled
many times before.






Hot summer nights
were made
for lonely cups of coffee
and empty highway lines.





SON

Somewhere he waits
and I listen,
as the silence
grows painfully louder.

SON;

I wish I could tell you that you’re mine
but you’re not and never were,
still there is that bond
and I guess that is the way
it will always be.

SON;

I wish I could show you
the beauty of your shining sisters’ smiles,
I imagine you must be
very much like they are,
except they are mine
and you are not,

and never will be.

SON;

I make no excuses
for the things that took place,
and I wouldn’t have any
even if I did,
to be honest
it didn’t have a thing
to do with you,
as hollow as that may sound,
it’s just the way
things worked out,
but still I do remember,

which is more
than I left to you.


Father

Distant thunder
rolling across the fields;
unseen,
untouched,
unknown.

I remember,
the little things,
the things
which no one
ever notices,
the time
when I was a child
and you listened,
really listened
to something
that was important
to me,
and for a brief moment
I felt like I mattered,
but then
the moment was gone
and it didn’t matter
anymore.

I remember
how you spoke for me,
as if anything
I might say
would be embarrassing,

30 years later
you still do,

what is it you fear?




The Night

Cold and barren,
the windswept fields,
dark and gray
in the moonlight walking,
through wooded meadows
she calls

and I must go.

Her voice
beckoning my soul
to come lie at her feet,
she washes my face
with her raven hair,
wet with teardrops
from things
unseen,
unknown,

in her arms
I know no fear.

She is the night,
when she calls
no man resists her voice,

she is the darkness
living in us all.





Oh Poet

Innocent blood
running softly across the ground,
pouring out the sad sweetness
which makes you all that you are.

The cell grows smaller,
the chains pull tighter,
solitary,
it is all you deserve;
everything that was asked for
in the end
became reality,
only distant memories are left,

the ultimate denial,
the absolute illusion,
the final humiliation.

Let it flow,
feel its implistic texture,
round and rough,
bubbling up
like some forgotten brew,
bitter with vile,
forsaken by death,
floating in timeless gel.

I don’t know
if I can ever return
to this place
called home,
in this land of love
it all comes out wrong,
it all seems so ridiculous,
like it never really was.

Oh poet
deny thy craft,
speak not
lest someone hear your voice.


Dead Places

Dead places,
hidden among the rain soaked fields,
call out
like long lost friends,
searching for days gone by
and empty roads
never traveled.

Grand plans,
big ideas,
so much lost on the way,
in this desolate wilderness
called home.

It scares them to know
someone sees through their masks,
their charades,
they grow uneasy
when they see themselves
through the eyes of another,
tossing and turning,
generating huge ocean waves
among the tranquil seas.

Fools,

playing foolish games
with deadly consequences,
children lost in chaos
and hopeless jungle forests,

dead places
know.






Night Whore

Black night calling me back,
do you never grow weary of the hunt?
The darkness burns my mind and soul,
destroying all who get too close,
the hard steel shaft penetrates the flesh,
sinking deep, ripping open
the rotting, decaying corpse.

See the night,
the cold black shining night,
it cries out like a lost lover,
screaming words of revenge
for love lost and never found.

We are alike my friend,
we see the past,
we run from the future,
surviving inside the cracks of this wall
with all the other insects,
waiting for nothing,
praying for everything.

Feel the power, the sweet sublime power,
it calls out begging to be taken from behind
like a common night whore,
legs spread wide for any and all
because it feels so right,
dogs feed off her thick, rich, menstrual blood
driving them mad with the pure energy of the darkness,
howling into the night
they rip each other apart in fits of rabid rage.

Sinking deeper than ever before
the rich blackness fills me up,
just a little more,
just another taste
of the whore’s putrid cum.

Do you see now
just how far it goes?
Do you feel now
that which no one else knows?


The Bearded Man
I dream of far away places,
sitting in the sun
with blue skies and bright clouds
floating softly overhead,
birds singing sweetly
as mighty rivers flow gently by.
Then, the dying monster reaches out,
dragging me back down into his pit;
he does not want
to die alone.

Smiling,
he stares serenely into my eyes,
then pats my head
like the obedient dog
that I am.

“You have come far my jaded son,
walk with me just a little while longer
and to you shall I give everything
in all its dark and blackened glory.”

And if you listen hard
you can hear the buzzing
of ten billion ravenous flies,
coming to feast on all that is
or ever will be.

“The earth shall be rid of flesh,
freeing our rotting souls
from these prison walls forever.”

The bearded man paid a visit last night,
silently staring into the future
he never said a word,
but the evil hanging in the air
smelled of death and fear;

I awoke in a pool
of terror and sweat.

Sigmund’s Full of Shit

When you’ve been
on both sides of the fence,
you know it’s not a question
of which side is greener,
it’s only a matter of
which side is green at all, and
you wonder quietly at
what a cruel, terrible joke
this is,

do the questions never
have an answer?

And you silently wish
for a reason,
an excuse,
some childhood abuse,
daily beatings
or a solid drop on the head,
anything to explain
why
you are the way you are,
but there is nothing,
only proving;

Sigmund’s full of shit.





Only For a Moment

Only for a moment
let me rest here;

only for a moment.

Proud eroticism
steals away the hour,
passing into a distant night
without a sound
as we silently wait.

Take my hand now,
guide it for your purpose,
fill the outer land
with the smile of your purposeful hatred,
sick within its own self-pity,
dying upon these empty walls,
flowing so gently,
so completely.

They have taken it all,
leaving nothing in return,
withered and drained,
left lying on the side
of this dark and dangerous abyss,
waiting for an end
which never comes.

I have no wise words left,
it is their world
not mine.







Etc.

Growing up,
I never wanted the normal things:
money, good job, family, etc.,
my vision was always a stage
playing rock and roll music
in front of huge cheering crowds,
with everyone who never believed (in me),
who never thought I’d be much of anything,
old girl friends, parents, teachers, etc.,
sitting in the front row,

realizing just how wrong they had been.

It was this vision
that made me play so hard in sports,
even though I could have cared less
about winning or losing,
it was the roar of a crowd
during a touchdown run
or game winning hit
that I lived for,
and even though I talked about all the other things:
teamwork, hustle, hard work, etc.,
it was all bullshit,
it was never about anything but adulation,

and payback.

My life was a lie then
just as it is today,
as I go to my dead end job,
pretending to be a good husband, father, co-worker, etc.,
talking about right and wrong, morality, beliefs, etc.,
telling my daughter
about teamwork, hustle, hard work, etc.,
when inside I’m still standing on that stage,
before thousands of screaming, adoring fans,
looking down at old girlfriends, parents, teachers, etc,
screaming into the microphone;

“See!
you were wrong all the time!”











<>











<>




The Last Play
We talked about the past today,
how I had been a big football star,
blah, blah, blah… yeah sure.
I told her how I never cared about any of that,
how it had all been a lie,
a way to rub shit back in the faces of those around me,
a way to take out all the anger and frustration.
Later I remembered something that has been inside
for a long, long time,
my greatest game ever,
the one where I rushed for 260 yards (a school record),
scored 3 touchdowns, etc. etc.,
but the only thing I really remembered
was the very last play.
We were on defense,
I was playing cornerback
and we were winning 46-7,
the other team began putting in their subs,
all the younger kids
who never get to play in close games,
good experience (and all that shit),
there was this kid, he was young,
probably a freshman or sophomore,
a skinny kid lined up at wide receiver,
I was lined up across from him,
this poor, sad, skinny little kid,
who was so scared he was shaking,
looking at me with an awed look
like I was the greatest thing in the world.
I just stared at him
with a cold smirk on my face,
making him even more afraid.

I had just played the greatest game in school history,
I felt god like (what a joke),
I felt omnipotent,
the ball was snapped,
he started to run down the field,
it was my job to slow up his progress,
hit him with a forearm,
give the linemen time to get to the quarterback.

I did my job,

only I did it much better than I needed to,

I buried my fist in his gut.

A more experienced player
would have been ready for it (it was so easy),
he went down
like he had been shot with a 44 magnum,
the play ended,
the game was over.

This poor, skinny little kid
just laid there on the ground,
groaning and holding his stomach,
tears welling up in his eyes,
looking up at me
with this look on his face that said:
‘Why? …why did you do that to me?’
It was as if I had shattered his self-image,
ruined his view of the world around him,
destroyed his faith in gods and legends,
a hurt much worse
than the physical pain in his gut;

I just smiled and laughed,
then turned and walked away.

The next day there were photos of me
and big headlines about school records,
blah, blah, blah,
but there wasn’t a single word
about that play in the paper,

but I knew,
I would always know.

Afterwards,
the beer and whiskey
almost wiped his face out of my mind,

almost,
but not quite.



Voices

Voices cry out,
seldom ever heard,
searching for truths and myths
which never come,
nor never shall.

It is here that we survive,
trapped within the walls
of this empty prison,
crawling down crowded one-way corridors
into the darkness of a perpetual night.

Forever listening
in this never ending game,
quietly learning
to sit among the shadows,
somewhere in between
the living and the dead,
patiently waiting
for a flight that never comes,
with a one-way,
first class ticket
to destinations unfulfilled.

Choose your targets carefully my old friend,
one well placed shot is the most
you can ever hope for.








Sometimes

We live in midnight institutions,
complete with limited resurrections,
searching for bedtime heroes
and untraveled imperfections,
among lost and forgotten erections.

They never knew
just how deep the cut really was,
they never knew
just what was taken
on that day so long ago,

how could they?

Early morning memories
fill these empty corridors with time,
reaching out for just one more
in this never ending reality,
taking hold of the mindless insurrections
thrust upon this bodiless soul
with decided impropriety,
so full of tight lipped incognito bullshit,
drowning in pools of molten metal mania,

sometimes it must be this way,
sometimes this is all there is,
sometimes we all go down,

sometimes it’s all right.








Some Things

Dark, empty playground,
little girl all alone,
dirty little secrets
so afraid to share,
believing inside
no one’s gonna care,

some bruises
never show.

So many years,
so many fears,
so much silence
between the invisible tears,

some things
can never be
forgotten.

No where to turn,
no one from which to learn,
no one to take her by the hand,
no one to help her make a stand,
no one to caress her forehead and whisper:

“it’s alright baby.”

So many years,
so many fears,
so much silence
between the invisible tears,

some things
can never be
forgotten.



Colorado Gold Mining

Oh Colorado,
what delight you took in misery then,
lying shattered and ruined
yet there remained time,
as the future appeared
so full of endless dreams and possibilities,
in the middle of ancient temples
ripe for the ransacking.

In the morning
you walked into the
dark and empty streets,
waiting for a Denver sunrise
which never came,
boarding a bus for the ride to Greeley
which never seemed longer.

The pawnbrokers had little sympathy
for lost love and broken memories,
offering only a pittance,
but you were glad to take it,

even dead men
have to eat.








This Guy at Work

There is this guy at work,
his wife is dying from cancer,
everyday his face becomes more distant,
the strain more evident
as she gets closer to the edge,
the fear in his eyes so thick
you wonder if he sees anything at all.

He has a daughter,
she is a sophomore in high school (I think),
once I talked with him about her
as we walked to our cars after work,
but I didn’t know what to say
so I mostly stayed quiet,
just like everybody else in the office,
because no one wants to face
the terrible reality of it all,
no one wants to admit
that when it comes right down to it,
we have no control
over our lives or the people in them,
and that if the truth be told
we’re just puppets,
moving in whatever direction
the puppet master moves us in,
and that with just a little pull on the string
one way or the other,
it could be us
sitting at our desk in the corner,
with a blank look on our face,
as we think about our dying wife
and the daughter who won’t have a mother,
wondering what everyone else is thinking,
not really sure if we want their pity,
not really sure of anything at all,
wanting to be left alone,
yet at the same time,

so afraid by the thought of it.




Where Midnight is Forever

Deep inside these rusted prison walls
live words never before spoken,
saying all that can be said about truths
which know not tomorrows or yesterdays,
satisfying burning thirsts and overwhelming hungers
which have existed from the days of the beginning,
but now lie silent.

Down roads well traveled
destinations become blurred,
inside vast empty kingdoms
where self will is non-existent,
ruled by masters who do not yield,
deciding on courses to be taken,
tossing tired old rules defiantly out the window
into brave new worlds of anything goes,
where it is every man for himself,
and that which was good
slowly turns to bad,
while that which was up
suddenly becomes down,
as silent solitary dwellers of the night
hold on tight to anything that does not move,
trying to survive the coming storm

which is never an easy task.

The darkness seeks its prey,
who crawl deep into fits of nocturnal passion,
fleeing from the intoxicating touch of fear.

It destroys with a vengeance,
without conscience or remorse,
all who drink from the offered bitter cup,
tasting its final burning mix,
slowly spinning deeper and deeper,
taking one last journey
from which there is no return,

where midnight is forever.




Cruel Intentions

Words do not come easy out here
where few have ever been,
as the emptiness takes all that there is
then cries out for more,
but there is none to be found,
(not a single fucking thing).

The darkness steals away the last evening light
as it silently seeks you out,
only to find you exactly
where it last left you off,
gently, it caresses your tear soaked cheek,
softly, it whispers within your well trained ear:

“just let it go.”

Instead you join all the other crustaceans
crawling among the waste and desolation,
your soul stripped clean to the core,
left to slowly die and rot
along the deserted wayside.

Movement grows difficult
among the faithless and scattered wreckage,
strewn loosely about deeply dug graves
where a hundred million voices ask:
“Was it really all about this?”

“Could it possibly be this simple?”

There are many things
I once thought I would be,
but I never thought I would become
that which I became, and
in the end it made no difference,
because eventually
no matter how far you travel,
you wind up where you began,
with the stark basic understanding
that this really is

the kindest and cruelest joke
of them all.

Grocery Shopping

“We’re not having sex tonight”, she said while sipping
her 4th or 5th baileys on the rocks.
“Oh really?” I replied,
trying to sound surprised and disappointed
at the same time,

while not sounding too relieved.

“No no” she said,
“you’ve drank way to much,
when you drink like this you take forever to cum,
I used to put up with it but now I’m to old.”

“God there were times,
when I wanted to drop!”

“It’s ok” I said,
“I once got the same complaint
from a Honolulu whore.”
“I really don’t want to hear about it” she said.
“Well it’s true,
she kicked me out after about 30 minutes,
told me she never would have taken my money
if she had known I was so drunk,
it just wasn’t worth it” I said.

The little bitch never did give me back my money either.

So I ordered another drink, after all,
this started out as a grocery-shopping trip,
and I needed at least three more beers
before I was ready for the grocery store.

The next day
we drove up to see the wolves,
we stood there a long time
just staring,

I wasn’t with her and
she wasn’t with me.



A Chip Off the Old Block

He was not my father,
but he should have been.

He was the one who showed me
that words don’t have to be flowery and sweet,
that sometimes they can be rough and real;
that rules can be broken;
that life sucks and it’s ok to talk about it;
that shit happens and sometimes
there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it;
that dreams die,
but you keep on living;
that friends come and go,
but a good shot of whiskey
will never let you down;
that dogs may be loyal,
but women are really man’s best friend;
that you can sit on your ass all day
waiting for the end to come,
or you can run headlong to meet it,
sticking up your middle finger and
screaming profanities at the top of your lungs
the whole way;

that you can write poetry and
still be a man.

Yeah he wasn’t my father,
but he taught me all the things
that a father should teach a son
so sometimes I feel like maybe he was,
and deep down inside I know
that every word I write is done
seeking his approval.

I only hope that someday
I can become as big a bastard
as he was,

a chip off the old block,

thanks dad.


No Apologies Offered

I write of many things,
some real,
some not,
some closer to the truth
than others.

Sometimes there is nothing,
other times the thoughts and images
come so fast I can hardly keep
hold of them,
BAM! BAM! BAM!
like a rapid fire machine gun,
killing everything in its path.

I destroy people,
it is what I do,
it is who I am,
it is all there is,
so don’t get too close
or I will blow up in your face
like a ticking time bomb.

Before it is through,
I will end up apologizing
for many things in my life,
unkind words spoken without thought,
insensitivity to those things
which mattered most to others,
breaking bottles and glasses while
stumbling around wild and drunk,
words spoken that I really didn’t mean,
moments of emotional turmoil
when I only wanted to escape,
many things but,

I will not apologize for my soul,

it is what it is,
what was given to me
before I was old enough to choose,
so do not ask for an apology for that,

because none will come.

A Dime a Dozen

There are many things
I want to say to her,
I want to tell her I am sorry
for the pain
I have put her through,
time after time,
for the love I have thrown away
again and again,
for the life I stole from her
so many years ago.
           
So many things,

but I have said them all before,
only to rip her heart out and
smash it on the
stone cold ground,

so I don’t.

I always mean every word I say
at the moment it is said,
but then the hunger returns,
the lies begin, and she is left
somewhere in the middle,
holding on to broken promises
and shattered dreams,
as I try to pick up all the pieces and
put them back together again,

before it is too late.

There are many things
I want to say to you baby,
but I know I never will,
because words are a
dime a dozen,
and with me
they aren’t worth the paper

they are written on.


This One’s for You Scott

Had a meeting today
with all the big boys,
it made me realize
just how small
I really am.

I sat there a long time
after that meeting,
just staring at the pages
of an open tech manual.

I thought about a good friend I knew once,
I thought about the times
we got falling down drunk together,
laughing our asses off and
how I loved him like the brother I never had,
I thought about how he sat in his car
in the parking lot of the navy prototype
in upstate New York,
put a gun to his chest,

and pulled the trigger.

I thought about what he must have felt,
all the things which went through his head
in those last few seconds,

and now I knew.

Now I knew what it felt like
to have your soul raped
and be powerless to prevent it.

Fuck all the big boys everywhere!
they got it all covered,
they always did,
but they ain’t gonna take me
they never will,
no matter how much shit they pile on,
if you wait long enough
even this passes,
just like everything else.

This one’s for you Scott (brother).

Size Doesn’t Matter

In the morning
it all seems so different,
thoughts and ideas
from the night before
fade away as if
they never existed at all,
and all that is left
is the realization
that it will never be the way
it was supposed to be,
that there is more
which will never be found,
but in the final analysis
even that means very little.

Put some AC/DC on the headphones
to put it all back in perspective.

Watched a show
on Bob Marley and the Rastafarians,
thought about my life
and all the time wasted,
thought about how much time
might possibly be left,
came to the conclusion
that it really wasn’t an issue,
because it was never a question
of quantity,
it was always a matter of quality,
just like the myth
guys have been telling themselves
for centuries:

size doesn’t matter,
(yeah sure).

Turned up the AC/DC,
size may not matter
but volume

sure the hell does.


Bad Asses

“I was glad I wasn’t in love, that I wasn’t happy with the world. I like being at odds with everything. People in love often become edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective. They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.”  (Henry Chinaski) ‘Women’ –Charles Bukowski

“I’ve reached the point
where I want to throw out
all the shit, all the things
which aren’t important,
I think for the first time
I want to try and
be happy” I told her.

She held my hand,

“It’s much easier
to be miserable in life
than to be happy,
to be happy requires
an effort, it requires
hard work” she said,
“it requires that you
take a risk.”

And I knew she was right,
all the things
she had been through
as a child
had taught her this
better than I,
or any teacher
ever could.

There are enough
bad asses in the world,
enough cruelty and darkness,

I am tired of
trying to be one.


Love and Dead Poets

From the grave does she call,
this new one,
reaching out across lonesome miles,
strong, sleek and smooth,
eyes like liquid night,
burning with cold dark passion,
one must look close
to see the hidden beauty
within the shadows of her soul.

For her alone
does the morning come,
on cold dark days
where so much is given,

and so much taken.

Gently she guides,
leading the way
to new and unobtainable heights,
softly tucked within the folds
of her feverish breasts,

payment for services rendered,

sacrifice in the name of art.











dead poets tell no tales

sometimes it is easier
this way,

alone with dead poets
and other
night time creatures.

she lingers on
for a moment past the dawn,
stroking softly and gently,
warm and sweet,
allowing you to drink
from her soul,
in exchange for small
bodily secretions,
but then she is gone

like a butterfly in the wind.

just when you start to become
full of yourself,
like a barroom crapper
on a hot summer night,
you remember the old man’s words:

“fuck it kid
just fuck it all,

don’t be so god damned concerned
about clarity or understanding,
just pull the hammer back
and let them have it,

both barrels at once.”

I don’t need any of this shit,
I got bukowski for fatherly advice
and dickinson to stroke my cock,

what the hell do I need any of this shit for?

why do I need anything at all?


not even once

somewhere it matters;
but not here,
not now,
not tomorrow,

not today.

you laugh,
you smile,
you put on your
plastic face,
and you wonder
if anybody really sees
or if
they ever will.

maybe today
is the day?
(yeah, hold that thought)

it’s easy now,
she’s got you
right where she wants you,
exactly where you belong,
and that is how it will be
from here on out.

I saw a sign today,
it said
sin now
and pay later,

and I thought,

don’t sin now
and pay later
anyway.

honesty just doesn’t work
for me,

I tried,

now I’m going to do
whatever it is
that has to be done,

to survive
for me.

TAKE ME
NOW!!!!!!!!!!
(please)

isn’t that
what you have wanted
all along?

I have believed in you
all my life,
and it is only now
that I realize
you never
believed in me,

not even
once.



















now I know

now I know,
why junkies stick needles
in their arms
and lie dying
in back street alleys.

now I know,
why death comes
before the body
actually dies.

now I know
what Christ felt.

now I know,
where people go
when there is
nothing left.

now I know,
just how black
the darkness of the night
can be.

now I know,
just how deep
the bottom
really is.

now I know,
and the needle,
and the powder,
and the shots of whiskey,
and death,
only make it

legitimate.

now I know,

and have lived
to tell about it.


even Einstein knew that
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only changed or altered in form – a condensation of the first law of thermodynamics, and one of the principles for Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity.

I’ve learned a few things
in this life of mine,
things that no one else knows
or takes the time to see.

for example:

I know that rock n roll
began in 1948,
in the form of a simple
country blues song
called boogie chillun,
by a man
who would influence
a whole generation,
but never get the credit
that was his due.

and I know,
that I have seen a true prophet of God
walk this earth
in the shape of a man
during my lifetime,
and that I have heard his voice
just as so many others did,
but that very few recognized him
for who he truly was,
but that someday they will,

just like all the other prophets
who came before him.

I know that this life
is not what it seems,
that it is an illusion
created to deceive and fool,
a very elaborate illusion,
but an illusion
just the same.

I know that Jesus Christ
was exactly who he said he was,
just as the words of the bible
say precisely what they mean,
and are not hiding
ancient secrets
or theological mysteries,
despite how many scholars
say they are,
that the truth is so simple
only the simple
can see it,

whether the rest of the world
wants to believe it
or not.

I know that nothing
is an accident
in this life,
that it was all planned out
from the beginning,
every detail,
every chance encounter,
that the energy
we carry inside
can never be destroyed,
only changed
or altered in form,

hell,

even Einstein knew that.











sometimes now

“tell me Gilbarto”
she whispered in my ear
on a warm sunny morning
as we lay together,
her body resting
softly in my arms,
“what is the price to be paid
for simple existence,
in a world
that demands more?”

“so much more”

we both knew our time
had almost passed,
as all time passes
in a world ruled by time,
but still we clung to one another,
hoping silently inside
that maybe,
just maybe,
this would be the one
that would not pass,
even though we both knew
it would.

I thought on her question
and decided there was no answer,
that it was as open ended
as the tomorrow
we both would face,
I thought of my life
where it had been,
where it was going,
what it had learned,
and came to the conclusion
that it too
had no answers,
a mass of swirling contradictions,
neither beginning or ending,
drifting like the current
with no known destination.


I thought of his life,
so pure and perfect,
his words
so simple,
yet so strong,
sharp crystal truth,
far beyond the boundaries
of our limited human comprehension.

he is the king
of us all.

I pulled her closer,
stroked her hair with my hand,
tomorrow she would board a bus
and her and I
would be no more,
but today
we were one,
even if it was just a moment,

sometimes now
has to do,
in a world where tomorrow
never comes.






This Prison

In the dead of the hot summer night
the breeze finally comes,
as the heat floats gently away
like the breath of a slowly dying man,
his soul crying out to be free from this prison
where it has been held for so long,
never allowed to become
all that it was meant to be,
praying for survival among the destruction
of these decaying prison walls,

returning to a home it has never known.

Sleep comes hard
in this lonely land of pain,
as thoughts of words already said
echo through the silence of the mind,
remembering places nearly forgotten
by this clever disguise called life.

The still, small voice softly calls out,           
offering a refuge of hope and light
amidst the cold and barren darkness
of this forgotten, forsaken cell.

I wish I could walk out of this prison,
discard it like old clothes,
free at last,
no restrictions,
no fear or rage,
only quiet, simple thought,

this prison which holds me to the earth,
this prison that makes me crave depravity,
this prison in which I was born,
this prison which has grown with me,

but has never let me grow.




















The Light

For thou art my lamp, O LORD: and the LORD will lighten my darkness.
2 Samuel 22:29

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.
Isaiah 9:2

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.
John 8:12


Parole

Within the conquering depths
of this cold black cell,
You bring hope and life;
from the empty solitude
of this perpetual dungeon,
You fill me with your light;
Trapped in the endless despair
of this eternal bondage,
You bring freedom and peace.

This prison,
holding me captive all my life,
no longer decides
who or what I shall be.

This depraved fortress of iniquity,
filled with unending suffering and pain,
where so much has been lost,
no longer shackles me
in the binding chains of anger and fear.

The master of eternal night,
whose darkness and lies
deceive the whole world,
no longer blinds my eyes.

Freed from this prison
at a cost beyond compare,
paroled by Your sacrifice and love
through Your amazing mercy and grace,

PRAISE YOUR NAME FOREVER!!!











Mediocrity

I am tired of mediocrity,
I am tired of compromise and second best,
I am tired of almost and maybe,
I am tired of what could have been
or what should have been,
I am tired of half truths and inventions of the mind,

I am tired of the religions of men.

I want truth,
I want reality,
I want depth,
I want freedom,
I want light,
I want the living Jesus,
I want the living God,
I want the Comforter
who speaks of all truth,
who fills with power and fire.

Lead me by Your word O Lord,
let me glorify Your precious name,
show me Your will my God,
that I might live in it forever.

Free me from this prison of darkness and lies,
renew that which was lost so long ago,
restore the light of Your glorious presence,
let me sit in Your shadow,
be my King
forever.

Remove anything not of You O Lord,

fill me O Lord,
show me O Lord,
guide me O Lord,
let me walk in Your will,
let me be a son in whom
You may take pride,

serving You is my purpose,
living for You is all I need.


Worthy

Speak and I shall listen,
lead and I shall follow,
for You are my God
and I am Your servant,
for this purpose was I born,
for this reason do I live.

Above You there is no other,
You alone are worthy,
You alone deserve all worship and praise,
within You do all things lie,
within You are all things possible.

Washed with the blood sacrificed for so many,
You fill us with your spirit
that we might find true understanding,
that we might know
true knowledge and peace.

A gift so precious
it surpasses all understanding,
given freely to all who accept,
though none deserve.

Oh my Lord,
my spirit cries out for You,
speaking the love and adoration
that is Yours and Yours alone,
let the glory of Your mystery consume me
like a great and wonderful fire.

Teach me,
guide me,
admonish me,
cleanse me,
purify me,
heal me,
sanctify me,

that through faith alone,
I might be found worthy
of one such as You.



Forever

When you are troubled,
turn to Him
and He will be there,
when you are despaired,
call out His name
and He will hear,

this world,
this life,
this time,
this moment,
all pass away,

but His love is forever.

For He will never forsake us,
never leave us,
this is His word,
this is His holy promise,
to all who believe,
to all who trust,
on His wonderful
and precious name.








Yeshua

What words have I,
that pay honor to a King?
What gift can be given,
worthy of His name?

He who overcame,
He who defeated death forever,
He who reigns eternally,
He who is our master.

Mocked and mistreated,
spit upon and reviled,
beaten and scourged,
led like a lamb to the slaughter,
sacrificed upon a tree
for our iniquities and transgressions,
resurrected from the grave
that through faith in Him
none should perish,
but all might have life.

Through Him are all things possible,
through Him are all things made new,
to Him does all praise belong,
to Him is all glory given,
lift up His name
before all others,

Yeshua,
the Holy One of God.





Through You

I come before You O Lord,
broken and corrupt,
a lowly lump of clay
ready to be shaped
by Your blessed and holy hand.

Teach me Your ways
that I may walk in them forever,
show me Your truth
that it might be engraved in my soul,
immerse me in Your love and grace
that I might find life more abundant,
shine Your light before my eyes
that they may be blind no more.

Through You are all things made new,
through You are all things possible,
through You do we find strength,
through You do we have hope.













Lead Me O Lord

Lead me O Lord,
by ways I have not known,
guide me along unfamiliar paths,
turn the darkness into light,
make smooth the rough and rocky places.

I turn to You in sorrow and humility,
contrition and repentance cloud my troubled spirit,
forgive the iniquities and transgressions,
remove the darkness inside my soul,
fill me with the hope of Your presence,
restore the joy of knowing You.

All things are possible
for You mighty Lord,
no task too difficult,
no request too great,
no mountain too high.

You who created all that is known,
You who command the wind and sea,
You who were the first,
You who are the last,

in You shall I place my trust,
in You shall I find peace.

Be my Savior!
Be my King!

Let me be Your servant
forever.






Jeremiah 17:14

I have traveled so far,
still I return
to this place where I once began,
this land of degradation and pain
where darkness and silence live hand in hand,

I have traveled so far,
yet have I gone nowhere?

Deliver me O LORD,
do not give me more
than my broken spirit can bear,
do not leave me here
to face the enemy
I could never overcome alone.

In You will I place my trust,
in You will I seek my hope,
in You will I find my salvation,
in You will I enter my rest.

Touch me that I might be healed,
test me that I may be confirmed,
turn me from paths that do not lead to You,
teach me how to walk in Your light.

For if You heal me O LORD,
I will be healed;
if You save me,
I will be saved;
for you are the One I praise.






Rejoice
Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4: 4-7
The cold black night quietly closes in,
the pain steadily intensifies,
blinding and overwhelming,
becoming more than I think
my spirit can possibly bear,
hope slowly fades,
rage fills my mind and heart,
bitterness and anger grow,
until it feels as though
I am about to burst,
the enemy silently waits,
ready for the final kill.
Then You reach out
across the long lonely miles,
using unsuspecting and unexpected messengers,
gently reminding me that You are near,
softly speaking words of encouragement,
renewing my faltering spirit,
providing new found courage,
making it possible to rise once again.
The pain begins to dissolve,
the darkness turns to light,
hope comes flooding in like a mighty river,
Your blessed peace surrounds me
like a well worn blanket,
the enemy retreats
back into the blackness
from which he came.
Once more You have delivered me
from unseen traps and snares,
once more You have brought hope
where there was none to be found,
once more You have saved me
through Your never ending mercy and grace,
I will rejoice in You,
I will declare Your wondrous love,
I will praise Your holy name,
forever.

Just Believe

Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler “Don’t be afraid; Just believe.”  Mark 5:36

In the middle of the night
I awake,
gripped with fear,
overcome by the immensity,
afraid of the unknown road ahead,
thinking of all the possible dangers,
unable to control even the smallest detail,
completely inadequate and out of control,
heading on a collision course with disaster.

Then I remember the places from where I have come,
all the doors that have been opened,
all the chains which have been removed,
the love and grace that has brought me to this place,
and I hear His soft, cool voice,
gently whispering in the nighttime darkness:

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

The fear fades away,
the doubt dissolves into nothing,
the darkness turns to light,
there is only love,
there is only Him,

and that is all that matters.

In the deepest depths,
on the highest heights,
He is there
guiding my path,
showing the way.

The Friend who stands by my side
closer than a brother,
the King who laid down His life
that I might live,

the One who I will love
forever.

He is There

The time draws near,
the journey almost at an end,
home is just beyond the distant horizon,
lying only a heartbeat away,

and I am ready.

He is there waiting,
ready to make all things new,
removing the darkness,
wiping away every tear.

The pain will pass,
the doubt will be removed,
the suffering will be no more,
the night will be turned to day,

the joy shall be forever.

And He is there waiting,
ready to make all things new,
removing the darkness,
wiping away every tear.

The words fade away,
time passes like a dream in the night,
these prison walls crumble into the dust,
all things will be as intended,

all things will be made right.

He is there waiting,
ready to make all things new,
removing the darkness,
wiping away every tear.







Every Tear (Revelations 7:17)

Imagine if you can,
a world where everything
is as it should be,
as it was meant to be;

no darkness,
no evil,
no fear,
no doubt,
no suffering or pain,
no greed or lust,
no jealousy or envy,
no sadness or anger,

only love.

It’s easy to speak about,
much harder to truly see,
in a world ruled by flesh and lust,
where everything is about satisfying fleshly desires,
and self-indulgence and carnal pleasure dominate,
with fear controlling every thought and action,
trying to imagine such a world
is almost beyond normal human comprehension,

but try anyway.

This is the world which was in the beginning,
the world which shall be restored,
the kingdom that is to come,
where the One who lived the only perfect life
will sit on His throne and rule with justice,
protecting all who believe in, and belong to Him.

Where hunger and thirst will no longer exist,
where the sun shall not beat nor heat scorch,
where the Lamb shall be their shepherd,
leading them to springs of living water,

where every tear shall be wiped away
forever.



Just the Same

I would like to imagine,
knowing all that I know now,
that when they came to take my Lord
in that dark and lonely garden
so many years ago,
I would have stood by His side,
demanding that the same fate which awaited Him,
should befall me also,
going with Him hand in hand
to be tortured and die on the cross,
knowing when it was all over
He would take me home,
that the apostles only fled
because they were frightened and confused,
but if they had truly known the miracle that was too come
they would have stood fast,
instead of fleeing like cowards
into the night.

I would like to imagine this,
but inside I know it would not have been so,
that in the end
I would have been just as afraid as they,
that I would have ran just as fast and far as they,
I know it every time I have a chance to profess my faith,
and remain silent,
or when I look the other way
when His precious name is used in vain,
not saying a word
for fear they will turn on me,
just like Peter did

three times before the cock crowed.

Then I think about the fact
that He knew this would happen,
before it even happened,
that He knew he would be betrayed and left alone
to bear the iniquities of the whole world,
and still He loved us

just the same.


Any Less

It’s easy to love Jesus
when you drive a brand new F-350 diesel,
while vacationing for the winter in Gulf Shores, Alabama
in your 100 thousand dollar RV,
taking charter bus trips to Biloxi
for a night at the casinos.

Easy when you live in middle-class America,
surrounded by all your healthy, happy children
and plump, giggling grandchildren,
with your body free from pain,
not twisted and grotesque
by diseases like aids and cancer,
not panting and short of breath
by clogged arteries to the heart,
because you have health insurance and can afford
the best medical treatment available,
with all the specialists and bypass surgeries money can buy,
yes, it is easy then.

Not so easy,
when you go through life worried and afraid,
worried about feeding your children,
worried about providing a shelter over their heads,
worried about the lump growing on your child’s arm,
unable to get it tested,
because you have no health insurance,
praying for the strength to get through one more day,
as you go to your low paying job
where America’s elite treat you like a hired servant,
because they have money and drive diesel powered F-350s,
with ‘I Love Jesus’ on the front license plate
and you don’t.

Some day we will all be the same,
standing before a holy and righteous God,
and I wonder how they will answer then,
when they see themselves
speaking with derision and disgust
to the person working for minimum wage,
because their cheese was sliced
a millimeter thicker than requested,
or because they had to wait
more than 5 minutes in the checkout line,

I wonder who will be blessed then,
I wonder if their diesel powered F-350s
with the ‘I Love Jesus’ front license plates
will mean anything then.

Then He speaks to me:

reminding me
that He walked this earth with nothing,
in spite of being the King
to whom everything belongs,
that He endured humiliation and torment
without ever once complaining or hating,
that even though He was the greatest,
He became the servant of many,
laying down his life for all,
paying a cost only He could pay,
doing the will of the Father
despite the suffering and pain,
giving us the example to be followed,
proving that He loves us all
unconditionally and without favor,
even those who drive brand new F-350s
with ‘I Love Jesus’ front license plates.

And He asks me:
“Is the servant greater than the master?”

as I quietly (and humbly) think to myself,
should I do any less?





300 Miles Away (Please Wake Up America)

Up in Knoxville the Vols are taking the field,
down in Tuscaloosa the Tide begins to roll,
out in Gatlinburg they’re packin em in
for a big Dollywood weekend,
while 300 miles away people die.
All across the nation plans get underway,
for backyard barbecues and family trips to the beach,
as supermarket shelves are stacked in anticipation
with more than anybody could possibly eat or drink,
while 300 miles away people die.
Stunned by what they are seeing,
people watch the news and shake their heads,
calling in 50 dollar pledges,
vowing to make a difference,
while 300 miles away people die.
In Washington, in Jackson and in Baton Rouge,
fingers are being pointed as the blame game begins,
all across the nation the great debate rages,
filling the blogs and chat rooms with wisdom and advice
from every self-made expert the internet has to offer,
while 300 miles away people die.
Please wake up America,
we are all to blame,
we are all guilty,
we all watched and waited from afar,
while 300 miles away people died.
More than homes and people have disappeared,
more than dreams are shattered,
more than a way of life is gone,
part of a nation has died with them.
Now is the time to stop the finger pointing and blame,
now is the time to stop worrying about the pursuit of perpetual pleasure,
now is the time to reach out and love one another as never before,
now is the time to trust in the One who can heal all things,
now is the time for repentance.
Please wake up America,
before it is too late.

Everything

O mighty Lord,
help me let go of all I have known,
give me discernment over all that I see,
purge anything that is not of You.

Let me lay down this sinful robe worn from birth,
let me walk in Your shining brilliance,
let me live by the sound of Your wondrous voice,
let Your holy commands be engraved in my heart,
let me be a son in which a father may be proud,
let me be like You O Lord.

Give me courage to withstand the onslaught
when my enemies shamefully use me,
let me bring glory to Your name,
let my lips speak only of Your praise,
let my life be a living testament to You O Lord,
for You alone are worthy.

I long for Your presence,
I delight in Your will,
I live for Your fellowship,
I find my comfort and hope in You.

You are my King,
You are my Truth,
You are my Light,
You are my Way,

You are my Everything.










All That I Have

You shine like a beacon in the night,
bringing light to a land grown dark,
restoring life to a dying world,
providing truth where there was none.

So many years
spent living in eternal darkness,
no one knowing,
no one seeing,

but You.

Locked away
like some dirty little secret,
the self-inflicted abuse slowly taking it’s toll,
until there was nothing left,

nowhere left to turn,
nowhere left to run.

Then You called out,
leading me to places
never before seen,
showing me possibilities
never before imagined.

By Your suffering and sacrifice
was I saved,
by Your wounds and stripes
was I healed.

You have restored
all that was lost,
You have brought
new hope and joy
where there was none,

to You do I owe all that I have,
to You will I belong forever.



Just as He Promised

Someday the last line will be written,
there will be no more waiting,
no more searching for the final word,
no more pursuit of the perfect phrase,
nothing more to be saved.

I wonder if there will be closure,
I wonder if I will feel peace,
I wonder if I will have said it all,
I wonder if anyone will take notice,
I wonder if anyone will care.

I suspect in the end,
my words will die and decay away,
just as this fleshly body
will crumble into the dust
from whence it came.

It does not concern me,
for I will be with my Lord then,
He will provide my sustenance,
He shall wipe away my tears,
He will fill me with joy,
He shall be my hope and redeemer,
He will make all things new,
He will provide all that I ever need,
just as He said in His holy word,

just as He promised.








All Things are Possible

Out on the front line,
anticipating the approaching dawn,
the hour grows short,
even as the waiting turns long,

everything changes with time,
even this.

White on black,
black on white,
all is not as it seems,
there is more than meets the eye.

Some mysteries
were never intended for discovery,
some truth
is more than most can handle,
some lies
are better left untold.

Don’t let me sink
into this sea of darkness and pain,
help me rise above the surface,
let me feel the light once more,
allow me to breathe again,
turn defeat into victory,
guide my escape
from these demonic monsters,
desperately pulling me down,
give me the strength to resist
their unceasing perversion and depravity.

Show the world that with You,
I can do all things,
that He who is within
is greater than he who is without,

that for You
all things are possible.




A Son of God

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God                              John 1:12-13

How great is Your wisdom O Lord,
how deep Your knowledge;
Your words are a soothing ointment,
healing the minds and souls of those
seeking Your mercy and grace,
Your justice and truth a mighty mountain
which never bends or breaks.

Fill me with Your spirit,
lead me through the dark and hidden places,
lift me up above the mire and filth,
guide me down paths of righteousness,
show me Your perfect will,
let me be Your servant forever.

In You will I place my trust,
in You will I find my hope,
through You will I seek shelter,
through You shall I overcome.

You are my King,
You are my Master,
You are my Lord,
You are my God,
You are my Everything.

Without You there is no today,
without You there is no tomorrow,
without You there is no beginning,
without You there is no end.

You alone have brought me to this place,
restoring all that was lost,
providing long awaited refuge,
bringing joy where there was none.

You alone have made it possible,
to become a son
of the living God.


Slave

As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him.  Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”  So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him.  And all the people were amazed.                                           Mark 5:18-20

All my life I have been a slave,
all my life I have been lost,
all my life I have served unseen masters,
all my life I have been a prisoner.

Sexual perversions and lust,
spiritual darkness and depravity,
financial debt and personal greed,
unjustified hatred and anger,
self-destructive gluttony,
fantasies and delusions of grandeur,
vanity and self-induced egotism,
malicious slander and vicious lies.

Sacrificially raped,
silently abused and self-tortured,
steadily stripped of all dignity and self-worth,
repeatedly robbed of confidence and truth,
slowly losing any faith or trust.

Then You reached out Your mighty hand,
pulling me up from these raging seas,
unlocking the door of this forsaken cell,
delivering me from eternal bondage,
opening my blinded eyes,

no longer a slave,
no longer a victim.

Now I wait for the day
when I will be where You are,
sitting at the foot of Your throne,
basking in Your glory and light,

telling the world of Your mercy and grace,
telling the world what the Lord has done for me.


Truth
Jesus looked directly at them and asked, “Then what is the meaning of that which is written:  ‘The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone’?  Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”
Luke 20:17-18
Truth;
from where does it come?
to where does it go?
It rattles around inside,
bouncing back and forth
like some misguided nuclear missile,
and just when you think you have the answer
you come to the stark, brutal realization;
you’ve only scratched the surface.

Truth;
so seemingly simple
yet so profoundly complex,
separating darkness from light,
bringing dawn to the fading night,
cutting hard and deep
with surgeon like precision and skill,
providing comfort and mercy
while dispensing perfect judgment and justice.

Truth is absolute,
truth is forever,
truth never changes,
truth never compromises,
truth is condemnation,
truth is salvation
all rolled into one,

Truth is the stone
upon which everyone who falls
will be broken to pieces,
but he on whom it falls
will be crushed,

truth is Jesus Christ.




The Way of Truth (Matthew 7:13-14)

Lost in this sea of darkness,
sentenced to die
from the day we are born,
guilty as charged,
eternally separated,
forever gone.

The dreams of men
are like birds on the wind,
shifting and rearranging,
living and dying,
here today,
gone tomorrow.

There are many roads in life,
leading to far away, unknown destinations,
creating their own specific brand of justification,
finding their own particular version of truth,
but no matter how many truths we create,
no matter how many different ways
we want to believe,

there is only one truth,
there is only one way,
there is only one road.

It does not bend
to fit our ideas or desires,
it does not go in the direction
we demand it to go,
it is final,
it is absolute,

that is how truth works.

Enter through the narrow gate.
For wide is the gate and broad is the road
that leads to destruction,
and many enter through it.
But small is the gate and narrow the road
that leads to life,
and only a few find it.


Once Again (Luke 5:8)

Back in the gutter,
covered with filth and stench,
full of dark angry thoughts,
pointing fingers,
passing unfounded judgment,

once again.

Wrapped up in the cares of this world,
thinking of short term solutions,
lost in the self absorbing pity,
searching for flesh driven answers,
drowning in vanity and pride,

once again.

Go away from me Lord,
I am a sinful man!

Instead You reach out Your mighty hand,
pulling me from the murky quagmire,
softly whispering in my ear:
“Don’t be afraid,”

once again.

O Lord,
I don’t know why You suffered and died
for someone like me,
but I know that You did;
I don’t know how someone like You
could love someone like me,
but I know that You do;
and I don’t know
how someone as perfect as You,
could save someone like me,
from the fate which I so undeniably deserve,
but I know that You will;

thank You my Holy Lord,
praise Your mighty name,
all glory to You,
forever and ever.

I Know

I know that in the end
You will make everything come out right,
I know that this darkness surrounding me now
will fade with the morning dawn.

I know that You will wipe away every tear,
I know that You will make all things new,
I know that You will heal the damage,
I know that You discipline and teach
only those whom You love,
I know that You will stand by my side
through every trial and test,
I know that You will never give me more
than I can withstand,

I know.

Inside I have always known,
just as I have always known
that You are the truth,
that You are the light,
that You are the way.

I knew it when I lay on that gym floor
so many years ago,
Your soft still voice bringing reassurance
that You would be there
when I stepped onto the football field,
I knew it when I stood at the edge,
staring into the eternal darkness waiting before me,
as You pulled me back into Your precious arms,
before I was forever gone,

I knew it then,
I know it now.

And no matter where this road leads,
I know that I will always love You,
that I will always be Yours,
that You will always be my King,
my Lord,
my Savior,

my Everything.

Discipline

Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” declares the Lord, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.                                                             Isaiah 55:6-9

Once more,
You open my eyes,
once again,
You hold up the mirror
before my wretched and pitiful face,
revealing inner things
I could not see on my own,
showing the conceit
of all my preconceived ideas,
humbling the lofty and haughty spirit
by which I have walked,
crushing the self-righteous throne
upon which I have sat,
deflating the egotistical vanity
living inside.

Proving that You alone
know the hearts of men,
making me understand
that You, and You alone,
have the right to judge,
that there are ways
which seem right to a man,
but in the end lead to death.

Lord forgive my selfish pride,
have mercy upon my wicked ways,
guide my blinded eyes,
lead me down Your holy paths,
use me for Your righteous will,
teach me Your perfect ways,
rebuke my errors and mistakes,

discipline me as a beloved son.



Every Breath

When we are young
we dream of all that could be,
as we grow old
we come to the bitter realization
of all that we are not,
and what will never be.

It is then dreams die,
It is then that hope fades,
It is then truth is lost.

For everything there is a season,
for everything there is a purpose,
for every push there is a shove,
for every action there is a reaction.

Overwhelm me with Your truth,
fill me with Your light,
let today be the day,
let now be the time.

In You we become something greater,
in You we are made complete,
in You dreams live once more,
in You hope is restored,
in You we shall live forever.

Let every breath taken
be taken for Your glory,
let every word spoken
be spoken of Your majesty,
let every creature under the sun
praise Your name.

Be my King,
be my Lord,
be my Master,
raise this vessel from the dust,
make me a noble instrument
useful for Your holy will,
let me be Your humble servant
for all eternity.


Where is Thy Sting? (I Corinthians 15:55)

We live in a world ruled by fear,
it dominates our thoughts,
it determines our decisions,
it decides how we live our lives.

Fear of illness and disease,
fear of starvation and death,
fear of destruction and chaos,
fear of losing loved ones,
fear of losing money or possessions,
fear of being different,
fear of growing old,
fear of not being attractive,
fear of being sad and alone,
fear of not being loved,
fear of rejection,
fear of suffering and pain,
fear of the unknown,
fear of living life,
spiritual fears so dark and deep
we don’t even like to admit they exist,

fear of the truth.

We live in a world that thrives on fear,
where many prey on the fears of others,
surviving on their reactions,
commercializing their existence,
capitalizing on their opportunities,
exploiting their weakness.

There is One who has conquered death,
there is One who has overcome fear,
through Him we are free to live again,
through Him we are free to ask:

O death where is thy sting?
O grave where is thy victory?






The Comforter

Sometimes I am so close,
some days I am so sure,
as the words flash across my mind
like lightning in the sky,
here and gone in the blink of an eye,
with no idea what comes next.

Awed by the magnitude and depth,
humbled and amazed
by how far it truly goes,
taken aback by the wisdom
with which it speaks,
the Comforter promised by His word,
He who testifies of the truth,
He who teaches discipline and knowledge,
He who brings all things to remembrance.

The precious gift
from the Lord of love and perfection,
the Master of truth and light,
the Holy King of the universe
to whom I owe all that I have,
to whom I will praise,
to whom I will belong
forever.

Redeemed by the power
of His marvelous love and grace,
freed from the bondage of this world
through His suffering and sacrifice,
saved from eternal darkness
by the shedding of His precious blood.

O my Lord,
my sweet, sweet Lord,
to You do I give
everything that I have to give.

How I love Your beauty and light,
how I long to see Your glorious face,
guide me down the path
which leads me home to You.

Joshua

And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.                           Joshua 24:15

Choose you this day
whom ye shall serve.

The time is drawing near,
lines are being drawn
with no room in between,
be ye on one side or the other.

Choose you this day
whom ye shall serve.

You have witnessed the truth,
you have walked in the shadow
of His mighty presence,
you have reaped the harvest
of His blessed mercy.

So choose you this day
whom ye shall serve.

But as for me and my house,
we shall choose to serve the LORD.
















I Will

I have rested,
I have slept through the long cruel night,
I have withstood the sting
of twilights last goodbye,
I have seen the land of shadows end,
where nothing ventures
and nothing returns.

Inside we are all the same,
crawling, running, searching, seeking,
so close, yet so incredibly far,
hiding from truth and mysterious creatures
standing just beyond the void,
where words shake out
and sorrows seldom go,
whispering final goodbyes
along the way.

You miss so much
trapped within these prison walls,
where recognition is lost
within subtle rows
of uninterrupted, self-induced bliss.

Sometimes answers to prayers
do not provide expected results,
sometimes the truth
is a hard road to travel,

but even unwelcome answers,
are better than no answers at all.

I do not understand the why,
I do not see the how,
I do not have the desire or the vision,
but if this is from You,

then I will.





One Flesh

What began so small
has become so great,
what once was two
has been joined as one,

one love,
one life,
one truth,
one flesh.

You are the one
my heart desires,
you are the one
who makes me whole.

When you laugh I laugh,
when you cry I cry,
without you I would be lost,
without you I would be alone,
without you I would be incomplete.

No one but you and I
understand this great and magnificent miracle,
this deep and hidden mystery
that our life has truly been,
a beautiful, wondrous, blessing of God
for which I give continual thanks.

What God has joined together
let no one put asunder,
as it was in the beginning
so shall it be in the end.










True Love

Love is a hard word,
easy to say,
difficult to prove,
impossible to overcome.

It is a word I have used many times
without true understanding,
without complete comprehension
of just what it was saying,
a word filled with endless meaning and possibility,
yet so much bigger than my ability to fulfill,
full of such magnificent intent,
but used for all the wrong reasons.

True love overcomes all obstacles,
true love never gives up or quits,
true love goes beyond physical barriers,
true love comes but rarely in the lives of men,
true love comes from God.

“Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends.”

More than words
by the One who lived them,
more than empty promises
by the One who provided the way.

The One who gave us the perfect example,
the One who made all things possible,
the One who holds the answer,
the One who is truth,
the One who is light,

the One who is love.

The great I AM,
the Lord of all creation,
the holy King of the universe,
the Master of us all.




I Am So Close

The words come,
the words go,
flowing and spinning
from there to here, and back again,
where too is never known,
where from even less,
like some mad river
gone wildly berserk.

I don’t want emotions,
I don’t want feelings,
I only want Your truth,
I only desire Your reality,
I only live for Your love.

I am so close,
I am so ready,
come to me
forever.

Without You the words are nothing,
without You there is no tomorrow,
without You the sun does not shine,
without You there is no hope.

One life,
can it really make such a difference?
Does anyone really care?
When so many come and go,
when so much begins and ends,
does anyone really care?

So many greater than I,
so much more righteous than I,
love You with a love so pure,
how could You possibly love me?

yet You do.

Look into my heart,
see the hope growing within,
remove the thorns of darkness
choking life before it begins.


Take my hand,
pull me from these waters
swirling about my head,
reach out and heal the damage done,
take away the emptiness
as only You can.

In You will I trust,
despite what my eyes do see,
Yours is the voice to which I will listen
no matter what my ears may hear,
Yours is the face I will seek
for all the days of my life.

To You do I belong,
now and forever more,
in You will I find refuge
from the raging storm outside.

How precious is Your word O Lord,

it is nourishment for my soul,
it is light before my eyes,
it is comfort for the weary,
it is truth in a world

where there is none.

I am so close,
I am so ready,
come to me
forever.









Vanities and Vexation

I hear the words being said,
I listen to the songs being played,
I watch the drama unfold,
and in them all
are the words of men,
in them all
are vanities and vexation,

I who deserve nothing,
I who have disappointed and fallen short
time after time,
I who have lied and cheated
without reservation or fear,
come before Your throne
with nothing to offer,
seeking forgiveness
through Your mercy and grace.

All my words,
all my thoughts,
all my ideas,
are but vanities and vexation,
imaginations of the heart,
whose time has come and gone,
like the moment in which they live,
fit for nothing but the dust
from whence they came.

O mighty Lord,
lead me by Your light,
guide me by Your voice,
fill me with Your words,
let me live by Your grace alone.

Though I have the praises of all men,
though I have the honor of all the world,
without the joy of pleasing You O Lord,
it would be as nothing.

Your will is all I want,
Your approval is all I need,
it is the desire of my heart,
it is the center of my dream,
it is the glory of my vision.

In You

Even if there were no hope of reward,
at the end of this long lonesome road called life,
still would I sing praises unto You,
still would I love Your name,

for Your truth,
for Your light,
for Your sacrifice.

In You there is no darkness,
in You there is no confusion,
in You there is only light,
in You there is only peace,
in You lies all my trust,
in You resides all my hope,
in You I place all my faith,
in You shall I overcome
the darkness of this night,
in You shall I have
life more abundant,

for above You
there is no other,
You alone are worthy.

You know what I need
better than I could ever know myself,
You see that which my limited vision
cannot even imagine,                         
You lead me to that perfect place
before I even know I have arrived.

You have restored  all that was lost,
You have brought new hope and joy,
to You do I owe all that I have,

to You will I belong forever.






The Day is Near

What can be said
that has not been said before?

Facts change,
words rearrange,
details differ,
but at the end of the day
there is nothing new under the sun,
we are still a heartbeat away from forever,
we are still only a mixture
of vanity and vexation.

This life fades like morning dew,
evaporating into the sky,
forever lost,
eternally gone.

All the dreams and fantasies,
all the longing and sadness,
all the hopes and fears,
remain the same,
in spite of toys and technologies,
despite self-imposed dignity,
as we continue to anesthetize and tranquilize
feelings and thoughts,
with pompous litanies of monumental self-worth
and maniacal delusions of grandeur.

Seek that which cannot be lost,
search for truth and light,
find the way
in world without hope,
accept the free gift,
paid for by the only One
who could pay the cost,
He to whom all glory is given,
He who is the King of us all.

I am waiting,
I am ready,
the time is coming,
the day is near.


Backup

My computer crashed today,
everything I had written
for the last 4 months was lost,
no cd or floppy,
no backup,
it was simply gone,

forever.

It’s not like I can recreate it,
this stuff doesn’t work like that,
it comes and it goes,
and when it’s gone
it is gone,
never to return again.

I felt like I had lost a child,
something precious and dear,
but even when you lose a child
eventually you have to move on,
life is like that,
here today,
gone tomorrow,

like a crashed computer.

Moments piled upon moments,
some good,
some bad,
some precious,
some unremarkable,
coming and going
with the blink of an eye,
every moment sacred,
every moment uniquely yours.

I prayed to the Lord
and He gave me peace,
He made me remember
what is truly important,
that it’s not the words I write,
not the respect or glory
they might earn,


not about gaining
the admiration of others,
not about feeding
my vanity and ego.

He is what is truly important,
He is my King and Lord,
serving Him is where my true joy lies,
glorifying His name
is all that matters.

There will be more words,
there will be other moments
piled upon moments,
like sheets of ice
during a Lake Michigan winter storm,
forming vast mounds of forgotten dreams,
full of dramatic melodramas.

They will fade
like the setting evening sun,
but the Lord shall be forever,
His kingdom will shine for all eternity,

He is my backup,
He is my guarantee.









<<IMAGE 003>>                              <<IMAGE 004>>
In the End
Jesus looked directly at them and asked, “Then what is the meaning of that which is written: ‘The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone’? Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”  Luke 20:17-18
“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?”                    Mark 8:36-37
When I was 18,
I was the real deal,
the high school, jock, superstar,
the golden boy
with the golden touch,
class president,
everything to everyone,
it was an image,
I spent most of my adolescent years
perfecting.
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I could have married the hometown girl,
bought a house in my parents neighborhood,
spent the next 30 or 40 years
making a comfortable living,



gathering after work at the local bar
with all the other hometown boys,
living off old press clippings
and exaggerated sexual conquests,
collecting interest on Friday night touchdowns
and Saturday morning hangovers,
instead I did everything I could
to kill who and what I was.
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I wandered,
I searched,
I smoked,
I drank,
I snorted,
I embarrassed,
I lied,
I deceived,
I failed,
I burned every bridge,
I slept with whores,
I broke man-made laws
and spiritual taboos,
I sinned against man,
I sinned against God,
I did everything possible
to commit personality suicide.

But in the end,

I was still here,
stuck in the same skin,
unable to escape,
unable to change,
unable to be anything
but what I was,
trapped by the truth
living inside.
In the end,
I became exactly
what I was destined to be,
and You were still there
knocking,
watching,
waiting.
In the end,
You put Your arms around me,
quietly whispering:
“Don’t be afraid, just believe”  (Mark 5:36)
forgiving the suffering,
forgiving the humiliation,
forgiving the beatings,
forgiving the pain,
forgiving the torture,
forgiving the isolation
endured by You,
for the evil committed by me.
In the end,
You forgave the sins
of a world not worthy
to kiss the dust beneath Your feet.
In the end,
You shined Your light before me
and my eyes were blind no more.

In the end,
I will stand before the throne of Your glory
and the joy shall be forever.




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