Excerpts from Lifesongs 9

keeping an eye on you

I had my bar dream

the other night,

only this time

it was a little different;

it started out the same,

same old rundown,

dimly lit,

hole-in-the wall bar,

with the same lowdown,

rundown,

shady characters,

sitting around drinking

god knows what:

I have this dream

quite often,

and it always seems

as if I am finally

at home,

sitting on the barstool

with all the other

losers,

but like I said,

last night

was a little different;

this guy walked by

who seemed familiar,

“Bukowski?”, I asked,

he stopped and nodded,

and we started talking,

I told him he was the greatest,

which he took in stride,

I’m sure he had heard it

all before;

he wasn’t anything

like I expected him to be;

very polite,

and well mannered;

when I commented on it,

he just smiled and said;

“don’t believe everything you read kid,

especially if I wrote it;

then he said;

“I’ll be keeping an eye on you”

later,

when I had been awake

for several hours,

I thought;

keeping an eye on me?

what the hell did he mean

by that?

________________________________________________________________________

now I know

now I know,

why junkies stick needles

in their arms,

and lie dying

in back street alleys;

now I know,

why death comes

before the body

actually dies;

now I know

what Christ felt;

now I know

where people go,

when there is

nothing left;

now I know,

just how black

the darkness of the night

can be;

now I know,

just how deep

the bottom

really is;

now I know,

and the needle,

and the powder,

and the shots of whiskey,

and death;

only make it

legitimate;

now I know,

and have lived

to tell about it.

____________________________________________________________________

you’ll see

I can’t write about this,

or that,

or that,

or this or that,

or that;

in fact,

I can’t write about

anything

at all;

I’m not him;

but I can write about

how much I need

my fantasies,

like smiling at women

in the supermarket,

or making eye contact

at the mall,

how I need my

self delusions,

to keep my mind

in check,

or how I need

to feed

my out of touch

ego,

before it begins

devouring

everyone in sight;

yes it is not as easy

as one might

think;

being me;

and if you think

I’m joking,

just try it

for an hour;

you’ll see.

________________________________________________________________

boardwalk and park place

we all have to go through it,

sooner or later,

it’s just that

I would prefer it

to be later;

but if not;

it has been a good ride,

not great,

but good enough;

of course,

there are things

that could have been

done differently;

there always is;

but in the end,

there would only

have been more questions

without answers,

which really mean nothing,

even though we always think

they do,

buy they really

don’t;

all roads lead

to the same place

eventually;

so;

I think if

I had it to do

all over again,

I’d just skip

the detour,

and go

directly to jail;

do not pass go.

____________________________________________________________________

massacre

“in the end,” I told her,

“I will be the biggest loser

of them all,

this is something

I have known

all my life;”

but it is okay,

it truly is;

I know who I am,

I have always known,

I just did not want

anybody else

to know;

there has always been

a barstool,

in a dimly lit

hole-in-the wall

with my name on it;

I was born

to be alone,

it is in my blood;

it is who I am;

“there are places

inside of me,”

I told her,

“that are so dark,

so alone,

that no one

can even imagine

what they are like;

places that scare

even me;

places where words

only scratch

the surface;”

I only have one purpose

in this life,

and that is

to be ready;

for the feel,

for the words,

for the voice,

for the muse;

whenever it passes

my way;

everything else,

is just

passing time,

everything else

is just a dream;

a life

for everyone

but me;

my only regret,

has been

sucking others

into the massacre

with me;

they never

stood a

chance.

___________________________________________________________________________

on with the show

it always comes back to this,

no matter what;

it is the bottom line,

it is the end

of the road;

it is like being moses;

seeing the promised land,

all the time knowing

you will never be

there;

finding the one,

who can make it all

okay,

without ever

being able to

touch;

but you know

she deserves better;

she gives everything

she has

to give;

can you do

any less?

so you do

whatever it is

you have to do,

to help make her dreams

come true;

you sell

whatever is left

to sell,

at bargain basement

prices;

so the show

can go on.

_________________________________________________________________

moments piled upon moments

we are not kids,

her and I,

we both know about

these things,

and while I may be

unsure

of many things,

there is one thing

I am sure of,

and that is:

there is no right

or wrong;

people are

what they are;

and you either learn

to accept that

or you don’t;

I do not love her

for the past,

I do not love her

for the future;

I love her

for the moment;

for who she is

when she is with me;

not when she isn’t;

these moments have built

upon one another,

until they have become

hours,

then days,

then months,

then years,

then hopefully;

they will become

a lifetime;

for that

is what love is;

moments

piled upon moments;

it is a touch,

a look,

a smile,

a laugh,

a tear,

a kiss;

a word;

caught up

in a moment.

_____________________________________________________________

not

the word came down

from headquarters today,

we finally got our

marching orders,

we are shipping out

day after tomorrow;

it is a mixed blessing;

on one hand,

the waiting and anticipation

will finally

be over,

but on the other hand,

now the war

is about to begin;

it leaves a knot,

in the pit of your stomach,

it makes your mouth

turn dry,

but deep down inside,

you kind of like it,

because at least now

you feel alive,

even as you wonder;

for how much longer?

she tells you

not to let the door

hit you in the ass,

on the way out,

which makes you smile,

because at least now

you know;

there is some hope

for the future;

maybe,

just maybe,

the gods really do

smile twice

in one lifetime;

perhaps;

but more than likely,

not.

____________________________________________________________________________

not hardly fair

the day started out good,

everything was blank,

it left me with the feeling

that perhaps,

today

was the day;

but it rarely

ever is;

you do begin to question

your manhood

however,

when you flip through

the television channels,

and find yourself stopping

on a Judy Garland

documentary;

if you stop

to think about it,

I’m losing everything in my life,

throwing it all away,

for the thoughts

that exist

within my mind;

I have not slept

with any women,

I have not committed

any crimes,

in fact,

the only thing

I have ever done,

was share my soul

with someone

I never met

in real life;

somehow,

it just doesn’t feel fair.

___________________________________________________________________

forever

everyday,

you try to get

better,

everyday,

you stand up

and begin

again;

but the best

is behind you

now;

there are days,

when you are sure

you will never

make love

again,

and more still,

when you just don’t

care;

the music fills your brain,

until you begin to

choke on it,

as you reach for the comfort

which is no longer

there;

3 in the morning

never felt so cold,

on dark lonesome Fridays,

when everything

that once made sense

falls away,

into lakes and valleys,

where hidden monsters

lie patiently in wait;

and it is here

that you belong,

it is this

that you have sought,

so now

shall it be;

the ultimate loser,

in the final loss

of a game

being played

on foreign fields;

where you never stood a

chance;

she has taken

the one thing

which might have

made a difference,

with impossible promises

and broken truths,

as it all begins to come

together

one more time;

closer,

nearer,

quieter,

silently,

gone;

and you think inside;

if she just walked

through that door,

you would love her

forever;

but happily ever after,

exists only

in fairy tales,

and myths.

___________________________________________________________________________

not even once

somewhere it matters,

but not here,

not now,

not tomorrow;

not today;

you laugh,

you smile,

you put on your

plastic face,

and you wonder

if anybody really sees,

or if

they ever will;

maybe today

is the day?

(yeah hold that thought);

it’s easy now,

she’s got you

right where she wants you,

exactly

where you belong,

and that is how it will be

from here on out;

I saw a sign today,

it said,

sin now

and pay later;

and I thought;

don’t sin now,

and pay later

anyway;

honesty just doesn’t work

for me;

I tried;

now I’m gonna do,

whatever it is

that has to be done;

to survive

for me;

TAKE ME

NOW!!!!!!!!!!

(please);

isn’t that

what you have wanted

all along?

I have believed in you

all my life,

and it is only now

that I realize,

that you never

believed in me;

not even

once.

____________________________________________________________________________

being wrong

today is the day,

it is not what you expected,

but then,

changes seldom are,

what you thought was gonna be easy,

turns out to be

only just the beginning,

it is what comes next

that puts the ball in the pit

of your gut,

until it becomes so hard,

that it squeezes the life

right out of you;

I know I am wrong,

so very wrong,

I have been wrong

my entire life,

but I don’t know how to stop

being wrong;

I never have;

and you wonder,

what now?

what will be destroyed

next?

it is hard,

when people stop believing

in you;

particularly,

when you know

they should.
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waiting for the crossing

I have been to this place before,

only to turn and run

back to the comfort

of that

which is known;

not this time;

somehow I have to survive,

somehow I have to find

a way,

or die,

here in the darkness

of a forgotten land;

apologies

will never be enough;

standing at the border,

waiting for the crossing

to begin,

is the hardest thing

in life,

you will ever have to do,

behind you is comfort,

and that

which you have always known;

ahead;

is nothing,

but sadness and pain,

but still you go;

even though

you wish

it were not

so.

_________________________________________________________________________

waiting for the calvary

I have waited

for the calvary

all my life,

for the last second rescue,

for the happy ending,

for the miraculous miracle,

for the forever after;

but it never comes;

and unless I provide it,

it never will;

perhaps we both

reached for things,

that were never ours to touch,

but the timing wasn’t right;

so we never

should have reached;

now the hurt

has become greater

than the laughter.

_________________________________________________________________________

when the real shit kicks in

there’s no point

in getting upset

now,

there’s no one

to see the

theatrics,

no one to appreciate

the long faces

or winces of pain;

no one to care;

if you can’t sleep at night,

there’s no one

to be blamed

for all the inadequacies,

no one

to take the fall;

so why bother?

might as well

just sit here,

thinking about how good it was

when there was;

and just think,

this is only

stage one,

imagine what it will be like,

when the real shit

kicks in.

_________________________________________________________________________

strings

in the morning,

things seem a bit

calmer,

as you become more aware

of the surroundings,

and you realize,

most people

are just trying

to get by,

the best that they can;

you see the school bus

pulling into the motel courtyard,

as families are trying

to make homes,

without a home,

and they love their children

as much as anyone else,

and they would not choose

to live like this

if they had a

choice;

I have learned

to be careful,

when it comes to giving

what it is I have to give,

because it is never

enough,

and there’s always

something more

wanted,

always some strings

attached.

_________________________________________________________________________

when you’re alone

when you’re alone,

everything is different,

everything is

on the edge;

dangerous;

when you’re alone,

you double check

every move,

you re-think

every thought;

and even then,

you’re never really

sure,

but you take a step

anyway;

cautiously,

looking around

slowly,

before taking

the next one.

_________________________________________________________________________

victory

I keep thinking

that we will have a good laugh,

and this will all

just go away,

but then I remember

that it won’t,

and I want to grab her

and run,

before it is too late;

it’s hard,

when you know

that you’re playing

a dangerous game,

but helpless

to stop;

every minute,

every second;

is a tiny little

victory.

______________________________________________________________________________

one love

at last, the madness

has stopped;

now the rest of it

can finally begin,

sometimes there just isn’t room

for more than

one love;

hell;

it’s hard enough

making even one

work,

and still finding time

to live,

in the little time

that is left,

crammed in between

the little time

we are given

to begin with;

it really is for the best,

it’s not good

to be too in love

with anyone

or anything,

it dulls the senses;

it clouds the possibilities.

_____________________________________________________________________

a long time

today I woke up happy,

for the first time

in a long time,

I even said a little

thank you

to God,

for continuing to know

what is best for me

in spite of myself,

I only hope

there is enough time left

in the future,

to make up

for the time lost

in the past;

but if not,

it will be okay

just the way it is,

for the moment;

last night we slept together,

she was there

in the morning,

it felt very good,

so very natural,

for the first time

in a long, long time,

it felt like

we were

husband and wife.

________________________________________________________________________

renewed

I feel fresh,

renewed,

alive again,

I find myself

wanting her

all the time;

like when I was

in the navy;

out to sea;

and I realized

how much I needed her,

how much a part

of me

she had become.

__________________________________________________________________________

thank you Jesus

this morning,

it felt like

together,

we might actually

win,

this messed up game

called life;

that together,

we could escape

the endless cycle

of depression and sadness,

the poverty and abuse,

that comes with years

of hopeless futures

and dead end streets;

that together,

our love

could escape

even death;

and to think

we almost let this

miracle

slip away;

thank you

Jesus,

for not letting

it happen.

.

.