The One I Praise

Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jeremiah 17:14

I have traveled so far,

still I return, to this place

where I once began,

this land of degradation and pain,

where darkness and silence live

hand in hand;

I have traveled so far,

yet have I gone nowhere?

deliver me O LORD,

do not give me more than my

broken spirit can bear,

do not leave me here to face

the enemy I could never

overcome alone;

in You will I place my trust,

in You will I seek my hope,

in You will I find my salvation,

in You will I enter my rest;

touch me that I might be healed,

test me that I may be confirmed,

turn me from paths that do not lead to You,

teach me how to walk in Your light;

for if You heal me O LORD,

I will be healed,

if You save me,

I will be saved;

for You are the One

I praise.

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This One's For You Scott

had a meeting today,

with all the big boys,

it made me realize,

just how small

I really am;

I sat there a long time

after that meeting,

just staring at the pages

of an open tech manual;

I thought about a good friend

I knew once,

I thought about the times we got

falling down drunk together,

laughing our asses off, and

how I loved him, like the brother

I never had,

I thought about how he sat in his car,

in the parking lot of the navy prototype,

in upstate New York,

put a gun to his chest;

and pulled the trigger;

I thought about what he must have felt,

all the things which went through his head,

in those last few seconds;

and now I knew;

now I knew what it felt like,

to have your soul raped,

and be powerless to prevent it;

fuck all the big boys everywhere,

they got it all covered,

they always did,

but they’re not going to take me,

they never will,

no matter how much shit they pile on,

if you wait long enough,

even this passes,

just like everything else;

this one’s for you Scott (brother).

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A Dime a Dozen

there are many things

I want to say to her,

I want to tell her I am sorry,

for the pain I have put her through,

time after time,

for the love I have thrown away,

again and again,

for the life I stole from her,

so many years ago;

so many things;

but I have said them all before,

only to rip her heart out, and

smash it on the stone cold

ground;

so I don’t;

I always mean, every word I say,

at the moment it is said,

but then the hunger returns,

the lies begin, and she is left

somewhere in the middle,

holding on to broken promises,

and shattered dreams,

as I try to pick up all the pieces, and

put them back together again;

before it is too late;

there are many things

I want to say to you baby,

but I know I never will,

because words are a

dime a dozen,

and with me,

they aren't worth the paper

they are written on.

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First Good Day

it was the first good day of spring,

warm, but not hot,

a mommy holding her little boy’s hand,

while daddy puts his arm around their little girl,

going for a walk, kind of day;

broke out the grill for dinner,

barbecued some chicken, and a leftover

london broil,

felt the warm sunshine and light cool breeze,

blowing softly on my skin,

it was the way a day should be;

calm and quiet;

even some of the pain felt less,

but not completely,

warm sunshine, and light cool breezes,

are never gonna take that away;

completely;

she sat beside me as I wrote,

neither of us saying a word,

we never do, and sometimes

that says a lot;

but not really;

yes, it was a very magnificent day,

it was the kind of day on which

a person could lay back,

take a deep breath and

die;

and feel very okay about it.

.

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Right Where I Want To Be

sometimes you get what

you want,

other times you don’t,

and occasionally;

you get more;

all in all, it tends to even out,

or at least that is what I've

been told,

but generally speaking,

you wind up settling,

making up excuses along the way,

convincing yourself, and others,

that this is exactly where you

want to be,

when the truth is,

it’s not even close;

but then it seldom ever is;

I think about things (sometimes),

how I joined the navy to be

a hospital corpsman,

attached to a marine unit, so I could be

right in the middle of the action,

taking a bullet, while saving a life,

dying a hero and leaving a nice corpse,

but I was either too late, or too early,

for all the good wars, so instead,

I ended up inside a hollow tube,

punching holes in the ocean,

which led to a nice cushy job, and the

American dream,

complete with a house, wife and kids,

and now here I am;

exactly where I want to be;

yeah,

that’s the ticket.

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Life's Little Truths

in 47 years,

I have only found a few things

to be true;

one is;

you can never make a woman

love you,

she either does, or she doesn’t,

and most of the time she doesn’t,

nothing that you do,

buying her gifts,

loving her with all your heart,

giving her anything she wants,

will change her mind, one way

or the other,

so don’t waste your time

or money;

another is;

despite all the books and philosophies,

stating otherwise,

in spite of all the self-help, get rich quick ads on TV,

regardless of all the Volvo driving, suburban

yuppies and dinks,

reaching for the brass ring, and great

American dream,

or any other dream for that matter,

in the end,

we all wind up the same,

so once again,

don’t waste your time or money;

oh yeah,

one more thing;

never! never! never! stop trying,

never stop trying to be a better person,

never stop trying to make it to tomorrow,

because in the end,

that’s the only thing that really

matters;

and that’s the only truth

you ever need to remember.

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Etc.

growing up,

I never wanted the normal things,

money, good job, family, etc.,

my vision was always a stage,

playing rock and roll music,

in front of huge, cheering crowds,

with everyone who never believed (in me),

who never thought I’d be much of anything,

old girl friends, parents, teachers, etc.,

sitting in the front row,

realizing just how wrong they

had been;

it was this vision,

that made me play so hard in sports,

even though I could have cared less,

about winning or losing,

it was the roar of a crowd,

during a touchdown run,

or game winning hit,

that I lived for,

and even though I talked about

all the other things,

teamwork, hustle, hard work, etc.,

tt was all bullshit,

it was never about anything

but adulation;

and payback;

my life was a lie then,

just as it is today,

as I go to my dead end job,

pretending to be a good husband, father,

co-worker, etc.,

talking about right and wrong, morality,

beliefs, etc.,

telling my daughter about teamwork,

hustle, hard work, etc.,

when inside, I’m still standing on that stage,

before thousands of screaming, adoring fans,

looking down at old girlfriends, parents, teachers, etc.,

screaming into the microphone;

“see!”

“you were wrong all along!”

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