Wave After Wave

I observe in silence,

lost among the ruins,

hopelessly flailing,

waiting for satisfaction and redemption

for which no words can be uttered;

I cannot let go,

I have tried,

I cannot let go;

grasping without hope,

pleading without mercy,

holding you in this illusion,

afraid of tomorrow,

telling you all the things I cannot say,

wishing I could turn back time,

wishing I had never hurt you,

wishing I had given you a better life,

wishing I could make you happy,

wishing this life could go on forever;

but they come,

wave after wave,

crashing in,

pounding the beach,

wiping it clean,

every wave a new beginning,

every wave a final goodbye,

every wave another generation.
.
.

soon enough

love,

death,

hate,

war;

soon enough,

soon enough;

shadows fall upon

hidden fields

covering invisible wounds

followed by morning

inconsistencies;

somewhere lies

middle ground,

fresh and innocent,

untested and true,

struggling among

the forgotten debris,

running from unknown

memories,

lost within all

the other dirty details;

soon enough,

soon enough;

you think you know,

but you do not,

you never can,

you never will,

there is so much more,

so much beyond

all that you can see,

so much more

than you can ever know,

quiet moments,

late night visits,

fallen kingdoms,

far away dreams;

soon enough,

soon enough.

.

.

Hideout

I dream of dreams

in this hideout by the sea,

somewhere just between the

living and the dead,

cool, sweet dreams

where the final breath

waits no more;

time runs down,

final destinations grow closer

than they were the day before,

answers slip away,

questions no longer matter,

thoughts and memories,

undecided,

undetermined;

meaningless;

I can go to this dark place

but I would prefer not,

I have tasted privilege and wealth,

stood on its shore,

walked its path,

seen its hypocrisy,

swallowed its inequity,

choked on its bitterness;

twilight does approach,

the last light begins to fade,

this curtain starts to fall,

it is here where I was meant to be,

it is here where I shall stay,

lying with you,

our bodies wrapped together,

our souls becoming one,

holding on to the moment,

safe within your love for as

long as I possibly can;

Ann, you hold my heart,

you always have,

you enter my dreams,

beckoning me into your arms,

your smile sweet and serene,

your eyes soft and warm;

I am ready.

.

.

Long Road

it has been a long road,

full of humiliation and degradation,

holding back at the hypocrisy,

turning the other cheek to the self-righteousness,

listening to the babble of fools,

remaining silent

in the face of man-made knowledge

and wisdom,

it has been a long road;

I hear Your voice

softly calling

in the middle of the night,

asking if I am ready

to let go,

asking if I am ready

to follow,

and yes,

this time I think

I am finally ready;

Lord, stay with me now,

stay with me forever,

reach out

and touch me

with Your blessed hand,

heal my wounds,

forgive my transgressions,

open my eyes,

fill me with Your light,

guide my paths,

overflow my cup,

restore my soul,

bring me home to You.

.

.

Not Even a Sparrow

Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.   Luke 12:6-7

in the morning

Your voice softly speaks,

telling me not to fear,

bringing peace,

removing the chaos and confusion,

lighting up the darkness,

reminding me that You see

everything I do,

that not even a sparrow falls

without Your knowledge,

and that I am worth more

than many sparrows;

help me overcome

this spiritual darkness,

help me remember

the arrogance and hypocrisy

will pass,

help me turn the other cheek,

silence my lips before they utter

foolish words of vanity and evil,

teach me to control this flesh,

remove anything

not of You.

.

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massacre

I stopped posting in January of this year after I hit 50,000 page views. I'm back.

“in the end” I told her,

“I will be the biggest loser

of them all,

this is something

I have known

all my life;”

but it is okay,

I know who I am,

I have always known,

I just did not want

anybody else

to know;

there has always been

a barstool

in a dimly lit

hole in the wall

with my name on it,

I was born

to be alone,

it is in my blood,

it is who I am;

“there are places

inside of me”

I told her,

“that are so dark,

so alone,

that no one

can even imagine

what they are like,

places that scare

even me,

places where words

only scratch

the surface;”

I only have one purpose

in life,

to be ready,

for the feel,

for the words,

for the voice,

for the muse,

whenever it passes

my way,

everything else

is just

passing time,

just a dream,

a life

for everyone

but me;

my only regret

has been

sucking others

into the massacre

with me;

they never

stood a

chance.

.

.

Goodbye/In The End

When I started this blog several years ago I thought it might be a good way to share some of my poetry and writings with others. I thought a few hundred people might see it at best. I had no idea that it would be viewed by over 50,000 people from around the world. The poems I shared on this blog are from a collection of poems written over the last 45 years. I did not share many for several reasons, one (and the most important) is that they are too personal and might cause pain to those who are involved. This is the last post I will make on this blog. It is the one poem that I would like to be remembered for. I will leave the blog open for those who want to view it but there will be no new posts. I will still be available at my email address, wfrhoads@aol.com for anyone who wishes to communicate with me about my writings. I would love to hear your thoughts. Now that I am semi-retired I would also enjoy doing public readings for anyone who wanted me to do that kind of thing. Thank you.

In The End

Jesus looked directly at them and asked, “Then what is the meaning of that which is written: ‘The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone’? Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”   Luke 20:17-18

when I was 18 I was the real deal,

the high school, jock, superstar,

the golden boy

with the golden touch,

class president,

everything to everyone;

it was an image

I spent most of my adolescent years

perfecting;

I could have married the hometown girl,

bought a house in my parents neighborhood,

spent the next 30 or 40 years

making a comfortable living,

gathering after work at the local bar

with all the other hometown boys,

living off old press clippings

and exaggerated sexual conquests,

collecting interest on Friday night touchdowns

and Saturday morning hangovers;

instead I did everything I could

to kill who and what I was;

I wandered,

I searched,

I smoked,

I drank,

I snorted,

I embarrassed,

I lied,

I deceived,

I failed;

I burned every bridge,

I slept with whores,

I broke man-made laws

and spiritual taboos,

I sinned against man,

I sinned against God;

but in the end

I was still here,

stuck in the same skin,

unable to escape,

unable to change,

unable to be anything

but what I was,

trapped by the truth

living inside;

in the end

I became exactly

what I was destined to be,

and You were still there,

knocking,

whispering;

waiting.

in the end

You put Your arms around me,

quietly whispering;

“Don’t be afraid, just believe”

forgiving the beatings,

forgiving the humiliation,

forgiving the suffering,

forgiving the pain,

forgiving the torture,

forgiving the isolation,

endured by You,

for the evil committed by me;

in the end

You forgave the sins

of a world not worthy

to kiss the dust beneath Your feet;

in the end

You shined Your light before me

and my eyes were blind no more;

in the end

I will stand before the throne of Your glory

and the joy shall be forever.

.

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