Fred

your picture stares at me every day,

it sits on top of the printer

next to my computer,

I talk to you but you never hear,

the distance between us

is too great,

I am your grandpa,

your mom was my

little girl;

you make me smile

on the inside;

we've met a couple times,

but I don’t think you

will remember,

just as I don’t remember

my grandfathers;

we were both too young;

I miss you,

just as I miss my other

grandchildren (your cousins);

Adam,

Rachel,

Holly,

Hannah;

I hope someday

you will get the chance

to know them,

along with your aunts,

Erin and Erika,

but I don’t know if

that will be possible,

outside of occasional

encounters, a day or two

at a time,

your grandmother

misses you also;

terribly;

it is probably harder

for her than me,

but she never talks

about it or complains;

she is stronger than me;

which is a very good thing,

otherwise we never would

have made it through 35 years;

you will do well if you

inherit her strength;

you have two great aunts

on my side of the family,

and one great aunt and two

great uncles on your

grandmothers side,

along with dozens of

first and second cousins on

both sides,

you also have a great grandfather

and grandmother who are very

good people,

they live in Michigan,

hopefully, someday,

you’ll get to know them also;

whether we get to know each

other or not,

you are a part of me,

and I am a part of you,

just as the grandfathers

who I never knew,

are a part of me;

and you too;

grow up to be a good man,

just like your father,

and his father,

and his father,
and your father's
mother's father;

whom you were named after;

I love you.

.

.

Seige

outside this worn and battered fortress,

the enemy patiently waits,

laying siege to these crumbling walls,

setting hidden snares and traps,

offering enticing lures and baits,

silently probing and testing,

continuously searching for weakness;

preparing for the final assault;

within the darkness

I seek Your face,

through the long lost night

I wait for Your presence;

rise up, O mighty Lord,

defend me from unknown enemies,

free me from unseen chains,

fill me with Your holy fire,

bathe me in Your glorious light,

overwhelm me with Your spirit;

You are all that I desire,

You are all that I need;

You are the center of my hope,

You are the answer to every question;

You are all there is;

in You shall I find relief,

through You shall I overcome,

in You shall I have victory,

through You shall I be delivered;

stay with me forever,

strengthen my weakening defenses,

prepare my heart for the coming battle,

let me be triumphant in the

face of defeat;

bring me home to You.

.

.

Deliver Me

within nighttime dreams,

I walk in cold, forsaken places,

dark, dead lost places,

far beyond the reach of hope;

I listen to the suffering,

I hear the sorrow,

I feel the pain,

I know the emptiness;

they are places through which

I have walked before;

when I awake,

You are there,

standing by my side,

never letting go,

never walking away;

healing me,

renewing me,

blessing me

when I deserve nothing,

forgiving me

when I can not forgive myself,

reminding me that without You

I can never overcome;

deliver me O Lord,

from dark, dead places,

lost and forgotten places,

hidden within the shadows of dreams;

take away the emptiness

as only You can;

hold me now,

bathe me in Your light,

fill me with Your love,

surround me with Your glory,

let me belong to You forever;

my Savior,

my King,

my God;

my Everything.

.

.

The More I Get to Know People

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. Luke 23:34

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep. Acts 7:59-60

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

the more I get to know people,

the more I begin to understand just

how messed up they truly are;

hypocrites and fakes,

hiding behind self-righteous walls

and smoking mirrors,

pretending to be kind and gracious,

when inside they are ravenous dogs,

concerned only with themselves

and their own agendas;

talking about being positive

or being quiet,

when all they are really concerned with

is political correctness and making

themselves look magnanimous;

the more I get to know people,

the more I begin to understand just how

great God is;

loving unconditionally,

sacrificing His only begotten Son,

for a world not worthy to kiss

the dirt beneath His sandals,

forgiving completely;

the more I get to know people,

the more I begin to understand

that I could never truly forgive

and love others on my own,

that it requires something much

bigger than myself,

a power much greater than that

which I possess;

a power that is righteous,

a power that is perfect,

a power that is holy.

 .

.

Dancing to the Chieftains

round and round we go,

faster and faster we spin,

the beat of the fiddle

making our hearts grow light,

the flute ringing out,

like a lost and dear

old friend;

ah these days

will last forever,

for they are all

that matter;

sweeter than the

sweetest wine,

soft and fresh,

more tender then the fairest

young lasses’ lips,

for surely we have passed

this way before;

if only in a dream.

.

.

Kathleen

the laughter rings in my ears,

the silence covers the night

like a worn out lover,

inviting everything into its domain,

like flies into the spider’s web,

echoes of the past,

banging into the walls

of my mind;

who am I?

how did I get here?

I remember a road,

on a dark starless night,

I remember your laughter,

I remember your scream,

I recall everything,

which means nothing;

ah Kathleen,

your hair was like silk,

you smelled like the

springtime flowers,

we were young,

we were lovers,

we were soul mates,

we traveled the road to Dublin,

then you were gone;

I searched for you

in the meadow,

but you were not there,

I screamed out your name,

but received no reply;

oh my Kathleen,

where have you gone?

time has no hold on our love,

our love was greater than time,

it was greater than life,

our love was endless,

even death cannot keep

me from you;

remember the moon?

we watched it rise,

you saw the fairies

and called them out by name,

we danced till the new day

sun came out;

Kathleen,

where have you gone?

.

.

W. B. Yeats

welcome old friend,

come in from the cold

and rest awhile,

I recognize your voice,

it is one I have heard

many times before,

the accent was a

little different then,

from what it is now,

but still,

it is the same;

we have talked often,

you and I,

during that soft

and painful transition,

as I tried to hold on

to the dark and dying night,

while you patiently waited

for the pale morning dawn;

you must tell me old friend,

have you found that precious

light of a new day,

for which you waited

and searched

for so long?

ah well;

nor could I

hang onto the darkness,

but what difference

does it make?

it is in the trying

that matters most;

you and I

were never born,

to live in the black

or the white;

it is the cracks in between,

where we belong.

.

.

O Eire

O Eire;

who could taste your sweetness,

and not cry out for more?

who could stand upon your cliff tops,

or walk the banks of

the river Shannon,

and not feel your

mystic magic?

your hills breathe

with life,

so young and fresh,

with a wisdom

so ancient and old;

O Eire;

even the mightiest invader,

is overwhelmed by the power

of your charm,

as they succumb not

to your sword,

but to your spirit,

you take not their lives,

rather, you take their souls,

making them prisoners

to that which they had

come to imprison;

O Eire.

.

.

Pushbuttons

sports, sex and food,

those are about the only things in life

that have ever really interested me,

and I’ve only been good at two of those,

well okay,

I used to be good at two,

now I only do one well;

technology?

bores the shit out of me,

on top of that I really

don’t understand it,

yet somehow,

here I am,

a highly trained technician,

in a highly technical field,

pushing buttons,

watching red and green lights

go on and off,

thinking about the leftover steak

in the refrigerator,

and the secretary with the nice ass,

or how my daughter can improve

her basketball game;

sometimes I imagine life,

living in a stone cottage,

overlooking the ocean on the

western coast of Ireland,

writing whatever comes to mind

all day long,

then walking into the village at night,

to drink a few pints,

tell a few lies,

then stumbling home,

crawling in bed with a good woman,

big and soft,

who moves with passion,

moaning out of control,

and keeps the house clean;

excuse me,

I gotta push a button.

.

.

Where You Are

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we've worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.   Luke 5:4-11

depravity is never far away,

like a cancer it grows;

eating everything in its path,

destroying all that is good and true,

mocking righteousness,

laughing at suffering and misery,

hurling damning accusations,

enslaving victims in the decadence,

forever caught in the bondage;

silence becomes a special friend,

isolation the weapon of choice,

dirty little secrets,

impossible to defend,

perversions and lusts,

hiding behind flesh covered walls,

truth slowly disappears,

light gently fades,

years roll quietly by,

night steadily consumes

the day;

the anger rises up,

the imperfection takes hold,

then I remember You,

Your suffering and sacrifice,

the shame sets in,

the humility overwhelms;

I am so unworthy;

some days I am so close,

others I am so far;

look down on me now,

hear the murmur of my crying heart,

lift me from this dry,

lonesome grave,

have mercy on Your servant,

take me where You are;

remove the darkness,

unlock the chains,

let the light come pouring in;

fill me with Your love.

.

.

The True Vine

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”   John 15:1-5

You are the vine,

I am the branch,

apart from You

I am nothing,

within You

I become fruitful,

within You

I am a son of the

living God;

Your light is greater

than words can express,

Your love fills

even the deepest valley,

Your words speak truth,

far beyond that which

my limited mind

can comprehend;

hold on to me

forever.

.

.

I Have Lived a Life/You Were There

I have lived a life,

it has not always been correct,

it has not always been sweet,

it has not always been perfect;

but it has always been mine;

I have lived a life,

what more can be said?

I have made many mistakes,

I have had many regrets;

through it all I have tried,

through it all I did my best;

I have lived a life,

I have gambled and lost,

I have smiled and won,

I have laughed with angels,

I have cried with demons;

I have lived a life,

for better or worse,

for richer or poorer,

for good times and bad,

I have lived a life;

within every victory,

inside every defeat,

there has been one constant, one truth,

one answer to which I have returned,

time after time;

whether lying in dark, silent gyms,

waiting to run onto electrified, football fields,

or driving down dark, winding roads,

barely able to hold on to the wheel,

blinded from alcohol and drugs,

You were there;

when walking alone,

through deserted,

snow covered streets,

where everything seemed

dead and lost,

You were there;

patiently waiting,

silently offering hope,

steadily dispensing love,

constantly providing truth,

gently guiding my path

back to You;

now I face the final test,

now I must overcome

the last obstacle,

now I turn to You,

for the strength to see it through,

now I put my trust in You,

for whom all things

are possible;

give me the words,

give me the strength,

give me the power,

give me the answers;

I have lived a life,

I have won,

I have lost,

now through You,

I am ready to live

once again.

.

.

Dark Night No More

dark night no more,

suffering and pain forever gone,

Your precious light shines upon my face,

the road ahead becomes clear;

a new day begins to dawn;

hold me in Your arms,

pour out Your mercy and grace,

soothe the raging storms,

silence the savage screams;

save me from the fate

I so richly deserve;

there is only truth,

there is only peace,

there is only love,

there is only You,

there is nothing more I need;

You have defeated the darkness,

You have conquered the fear,

You have restored the life,

You have returned the hope,

You have raised me from the deep;

forgive my foolish ways,

remove my haughty pride,

humble my stubborn heart,

show me how to live,

make me like You O Lord;

be real within my heart,

mold my desires around

Your Holy will,

teach me as a father teaches a son,

speak inside my soul;

change my ways;

shield me with Your love,

walk with me through the shadows,

protect me from the night,

be with me wherever I go;

for all my days,

I will trust in You.

.

.

For All My Days

Father, see my weakness,

forgive my iniquities,

have mercy on my trespasses,

do not leave me here

to face the fate

I so richly deserve;

take pity on me Lord,

I am a sinful man;

amidst all the chaos and confusion,

have I had but one desire,

through all the aimless

drifting and wandering

have I loved You;

in You will I trust

for all my days;

You have rolled back the darkness,

You have restored the joy,

You have removed the sorrow and shame,

You have returned the hope,

let Your light shine through the night,

let Your glory be seen by all,

let Your kingdom rule for eternity,

let Your will be done on earth

as it is in heaven;

let me be Your servant

for all my days;

time continues to move on,

this earthly body crumbles and fades,

returning to the dust from

whence it came,

the things of this world

come and go,

yet Your love endures forever,

soon the pain and suffering will pass,

soon the fear and doubt will be gone;

soon I shall be with You,

for all my days.

.

.

Any Less

Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.   John 13:16

Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.   John 15:20

it’s easy to love Jesus,

when you drive a brand new

F-350 diesel,

while vacationing for the winter

in Gulf Shores, Alabama

in your 100 thousand dollar RV,

taking charter bus trips to Biloxi

for a night at the casinos;

easy, when you live in

middle-class America,

surrounded by all your healthy,

happy children and plump,

giggling grandchildren,

your body free from pain,

not twisted and grotesque

by diseases like aids and cancer,

not panting and short of breath,

from clogged arteries to the heart,

because you have health insurance

and can afford the best

medical treatment available,

with all the specialists and

bypass surgeries money can buy;

yes, it is easy then;

not so easy,

when you go through life

worried and afraid,

worried about feeding your children,

worried about providing a shelter

over their heads,

worried about the lump growing

on your child’s arm,

unable to get it tested because you have

no health insurance,

praying for the strength to get through

one more day,

as you go to your low paying job,

where America’s elite treat you

like a hired servant,

because they have money and drive

diesel powered F-350s,

with ‘I Love Jesus’ on the

front license plate,

and you don’t;

some day we will all be the same,

standing before a holy and righteous God,

I wonder how they will answer then,

when they see themselves

speaking with derision and disgust,

to the person working

for minimum wage,

because their cheese was sliced

a millimeter thicker than requested,

or because they had to wait

in the checkout line

more than 5 minutes,

I wonder who will be blessed then,

I wonder if their diesel powered F-350s,

with the ‘I Love Jesus’

front license plates,

will mean anything then;

then He speaks to me;

reminding me that He walked

this earth with nothing,

in spite of being the King

to whom everything belongs,

that He endured humiliation and torment,

without ever once complaining or hating,

that even though He was the greatest,

He became the servant of many,

laying down his life for all,

paying a cost only He could pay,

doing the will of the Father

despite the suffering and pain,

giving us the example to be followed,

proving that He loves us all,

unconditionally and without favor,

even those who drive brand new F-350s

with ‘I Love Jesus’ front license plates,

and He asks me;

“Is the servant greater than the master?”

as I quietly, and humbly, think to myself;

should I do any less?

Psalm 103

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.   Psalm 103:11-16

when I turn to You,

light comes pouring in,

darkness slips away,

hope rises within;

I am set free;

You are a sweet

summer breeze,

a clear mountain stream,

a warm, gentle touch,

innocence and purity;

truth complete;

as far as the east is from the west,

have You removed my transgressions

from me,

as a father has compassion on his child,

have You had compassion on me;

through Your unfathomable sacrifice,

have I been redeemed from the dead,

by Your mercy and grace,

has my soul been restored;

forever shall I belong to You,

forever shall I sing of Your greatness,

forever shall I praise Your name,

forever shall I love You above all others;

let Your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven,

remove all that is not of You,

cleanse the filth and iniquity

abiding within this imperfect temple,

make me into a new creation;

fill me with Your love;

You are my strength,

You are my rock,

You are my comfort and joy,

You are my God;

You are my Everything.

.

.

The Best We Can

everywhere there is anger,

everywhere there is meanness,

everywhere there is ridicule,

everywhere there is despair;

men no longer search for truth,

men no longer thirst for righteousness,

it has become much too dangerous,

political correctness has become

the brave new frontier;

compromise the name

of the game;

the world as we know it

is falling down,

with no relief in sight,

answers no longer have meaning,

questions are no longer asked;

I close my eyes,

imagining days gone by,

I close my eyes,

seeing days too come,

I hold on to the hope,

while letting go of the reality,

I search for winding, empty roads

where few have ever traveled,

settling in the end

for safety and comfort;

following paths well taken;

broken promises and lost paradises,

tumble down like building block

houses on a child’s playroom floor;

failure hurts;

fantasies and foolish feelings lost,

forever slipping from your grasp,

always just one reach too far,

always a little more than

you can hold;

time and flesh fade,

until finally words are all

that is left,

when in truth they are all

there ever was;

overcoming the night

is never an easy task;

yet still we try

the best we can;

letting go of dreams

was never part of the plan;

yet still we do

the best we can;

somewhere little boys are free

to play the games of men,

while dreaming of days ahead,

without running from the demons

of their past;

I am still here,

quietly waiting,

I will wait as long

as You require;

I will wait forever;

I belong to You,

I always will,

You are my Lord,

You are my Master,

You are my God;

You are my Everything.

.

.

The Wonder of You

there are secret things,

things so dark and forsaken,

things that only You can see,

things that only You can forgive;

You bring me to the foot of Your throne,

You raise me up by the hand,

You strip away the denial and pretenses,

You remove the impenetrable walls,

You bathe me in Your unspeakable light,

You cleanse the dirt and filth within,

You take away the darkness and pain,

You calm the turmoil and agony,

You heal the sickness and suffering,

You fill me with Your unimaginable glory;

You soothe the raging storm;

renew my faith,

rekindle my fire,

restore my waning strength,

refresh my tired and worn out soul;

fill me anew with

Your Holy Spirit;

You are my King,

You are my Lord,

You are my Master,

You are my God,

You my Truth,

You are my Light,

You are my Way;

never let me forget,

never let me doubt,

never let me take for granted;

the wonder of You.

.

.

Black Elk Speaks

For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man.   Matthew 24:27

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”   Revelation 21:3-4

“There was a big meeting at the head of White Clay Creek, not far from Pine Ridge, when they came back, but I did not go over there to hear, because I did not yet believe. I thought maybe it was only the despair that made people believe, just as a man who is starving may dream of everything good to eat. I did not go over to the meeting, but I heard all they had to tell. These three men all said the same thing, and they were good men. They said they traveled far until they came to a great flat valley (Mason Valley, Nevada) near the last great mountains before the big water, and there they saw the Wanekia (One Who Makes Live), who was the son of the Great Spirit, and they talked to him. Washicus (White People) called him Jack Wilson, but his name was Wovoka. He told them that there was another world coming, just like a cloud. It would come in a whirlwind out of the west and would crush out everything on this world, which was old and dying. In that other world there was plenty of meat, just like old times; and in that world all the dead Indians were alive, and all the bison that had ever been killed were roaming around again.”  - From Black Elk Speaks

"Resist"

“When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first.”   Luke 11:24-26

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.   James 4:7

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.   1 Peter 5:8-11

once again,

the enemy waits,

attempting to bring destruction,

trying to control my life

worse than before;

“Do not fear, resist.”

You quietly whisper;

once again,

You sweep my

house clean;

letting me know You will

always be there,

ready to protect,

ready to defend,

like a child learning to walk,

teaching me Your truth while

giving just enough room to grow,

picking me up when

I stumble and fall,

holding my hand,

wiping away the tears;

never leaving me alone;

Father,

Creator of the universe,

praise Your holy name!

thank you for the gift

of Your wondrous Spirit,

the Comforter who guides

us into all truth,

teach me to shine

like a thousand suns;

teach me to be a Son

of the Living God.

.

.

Muse

I had a muse once;

she was my inspiration,

she was my balance,

she was my addiction;

not many can understand

a relationship such as this,

it is far more complicated

than it appears,

much deeper than meets

the eye;

everyday I would delve

into bold, new worlds,

forbidden territories,

outlawed loves,

lost and forgotten lives,

each more fantastic than

the other,

each more twisted

than the next,

strangers meeting on

foreign shores,

whispered rumors,

destinations very few

can fathom;

laying them at her feet,

an offering of darkness

upon an altar of suffering

and sacrifice;

living for her approval,

bathing in her radiance,

hanging on her every breath;

she owned every fiber

of my existence;

she was kind,

she could have drained me

of every drop,

leaving nothing behind,

she could have destroyed me;

she released me instead;

sometimes I miss my muse,

the words came much easier

with her than without,

but I became stronger

as a result;

so I think perhaps

that it is better this way.

.

.

A New Religion

in the morning,

raindrops bounce off the roof,

surrounding the house with

soft slender fingers,

tenderly stroking its hair,

gently caressing her

cheek and lips;

it has been raining for days now,

there is a wisdom in the rain,

as it cleanses more than

just the earth,

and I sometimes wonder

if there is anything left in

which to believe,

I suppose there is always yourself,

but I know I will never

believe in that,

so I am left on the outside,

with nothing but the morning rain,

as it makes love to this shell

surrounding me;

perhaps I should start

a new religion,

the religion of nothing,

paying homage to the rain,

worshiping the god of nothing;

by now the rain has stopped,

birds sing sweetly outside

the window,

as I sit quietly inside and write,

they understand this new religion,

they have understood it

from the beginning;

they have understood it

all along.

.

.

Bad Asses

“I was glad I wasn’t in love, that I wasn’t happy with the world. I like being at odds with everything. People in love often become edgy, dangerous. They lose their sense of perspective. They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.” Henry Chinaski - ‘Women’ (Charles Bukowski)

“I've reached the point,

where I want to throw out

all the shit, all the things

which aren’t important,

I think for the first time

I want to try and

be happy” I told her;

she held my hand;

“it’s much easier

to be miserable in life

than to be happy,

to be happy requires

an effort,

it requires

hard work” she said;

“it requires that you

take a risk”

and I knew she was right,

all the things

she had been through

as a child,

had taught her this

better than I,

or any teacher

ever could;

there are enough

bad asses in the world,

enough cruelty and darkness;

I am tired of

trying to be one.

.

.

Why?

I should be better,

but I’m not;

I should try harder,

but I don’t;

why?

the sun should shine everyday,

but it doesn't;

children should not starve to death,

but they do;

why?

we are imperfection,

in an imperfect world,

where lies are told

in the name of truth,

where innocents are

led to slaughter,

in the name of love;

we are just a beginning,

on a journey of

broken ends;

fantasies,

more fantastic than the illusion

in which they exist,

and still there is that

never ending;

why?

.

.