sometimes now

“tell me Gilbarto,”

she whispered in my ear,

on a warm sunny morning,

as we lay together,

her body resting

softly in my arms,

“what is the price to be paid

for simple existence,

in a world

that demands more?”

“so much more;”

we both knew our time

had almost passed,

as all time passes

in a world ruled by time,

but still we clung to one another,

hoping silently inside

that maybe,

just maybe,

this would be the one

that would not pass,

even though we both knew

it would;

I thought on her question,

and decided there was no answer,

that it was as open ended

as the tomorrow

we both would face,

I thought of my life,

where it had been,

where it was going,

what it had learned,

and came to the conclusion

that it too,

had no answers,

a mass of swirling contradictions,

neither beginning or ending,

drifting like the current,

with no known destination;

I thought of His life,

so pure and perfect,

His words

so simple,

yet so strong,

sharp crystal truth,

far beyond the boundaries

of our limited human comprehension;

He is the king

of us all;

I pulled her closer,

stroked her hair with my hand,

tomorrow she would board a bus,

and her and I

would be no more,

but today

we were one,

even if it was just a moment;

sometimes now

has to do,

in a world where tomorrow

never comes.

.

.

Liberty Bell

like the country

for which it stands;

it is not perfect;

cracked and worn,

it symbolizes

all that is good,

and all that is bad,

strength and power,

surrounded by

uncertainty and fragility,

it is in the flaws that the measure

of its real strength may be seen,

for therein lies the dream

which so many have sacrificed,

therein lies the challenge

upon which it was built,

not for the high and mighty,

but for the huddling masses,

the lost and lonely,

the tired and weak,

seeking refuge

from the storm,

ringing out

liberty and justice

for all.

.

.

Thoughts While Sitting in the Pittsburgh Airport

I like to sit in airports,

if I were rich I would spend

all my time,

flying from place to place,

not because I wanted to see

any of them,

although occasionally I might

take a ride around the town,

but most of the time

I’d just eat, sleep, and live

in the terminal,

perpetually between flights,

watching people,

wondering who they are,

where they’re going,

who they’re sleeping with,

who they’re not sleeping with,

of course I would never talk

to any of them,

because then my mental image

would probably be shattered;

in airports,

thoughts always come fresh

and sharp,

it always seems like there

are options,

that there is more to life,

than the little world

in which we live.

.

.

just a dream

people see what

they want to see,

they come,

they go,

they give,

they take,

they live,

they die;

nothing more,

nothing less;

the hunger never rests,

never dies,

it gnaws away,

careening down the tracks,

like a run-away train,

out of control,

waiting for the crash;

‘it’s not real,

it never is;’

it never ends,

this game of fools,

it shifts,

it moans,

it rises,

it falls,

it never ends;

‘it will pass,

like all the rest;’

lying here,

she deserves better,

but there is nothing

more to give,

nothing left to take,

this is all there is,

once there were words,

but now, even they

fade into the darkness

of the approaching storm;

‘just a dream,

just a dream,

it will pass,

like all the rest.’

.

.

Only You

it begins like a

Stephen King novel,

a little here,

a little there,

snowballing,

steamrolling,

gaining momentum,

over in the blink

of an eye;

life imitating art?

right where I belong,

pretending it doesn't matter,

just one more,

down the hallway

and out the door;

you come in a dream,

unexplained,

unexpected;

uninvited;

I run,

I hide,

but it does

no good;

resistance is futile;

this madness floats

like a feather,

without limits,

without direction,

following unknown tracks,

searching for lost dreams,

hiding inside forgotten

cracks;

the way back is closed,

there is only the road ahead,

there is only You.

.

.

at last

green, majestic ridges,

rolling lazily, across

bright, blue skies,

too beautiful,

too wonderful;

a place only

dreamed about;

it is here,

where the road ends,

that tomorrow begins,

no more uncertainty,

no more empty future,

the final home,

the last stand;

freedom,

at last;

they have taken,

all there is to take,

the last hope,

the final drop,

nothing more to give,

nothing left to lose;

freedom,

at last;

together, we shall face

the approaching night,

together, we shall walk into

the growing light;

freedom,

at last.

.

.

bureaucrats

bureaucrats always think

they are on the side of right,

no matter how wrong or unjust

that side might be,

never seeing themselves

through the eyes of

their victims,

never understanding

the rights of individuals,

over the authority of the system;

despots and tyrants could not exist

without their bureaucrats,

someone to stamp the orders,

someone to file the paperwork,

ensuring the trains run on time to

places like Auschwitz and Treblinka,

someone to provide a well functioning

slave market to fuel the cotton industry

and strengthen the economy,

hiding the suffering and misery,

disguising the reality,

behind walls of official sounding

jargon,

vital cogs in the machine,

the darkness behind

the evil,

good people

just doing their job,

mindless,

robotic;

pathetic;

yes, evil needs bureaucrats,

but it needs something else

as well,

someone to look the other way,

as neighbors are taken from their

homes in the middle of the night,

someone to remain silent in the face

of intimidation and overwhelming fear,

someone to excuse violence and injustice,

in the name of national security

and welfare of the state;

it needs its bureaucrats;

it needs you and I as well.

.

.

You'll Never Know

you touch me like a candle,

burning with sweet, tender, mercy,

as unseen worlds and non-existent walls,

rise up only to crumble back

into the dark, angry ground;

but you’ll never know,

you’ll never know;

like an unobtainable dream,

you flutter into the room,

unapproachable,

unrehearsed,

fresh from the kill,

hot on the trail,

one more from the road,

your face the face of humanity,

your expression all that there is;

I feel your fingertips,

breathe your aroma,

taste your skin,

imagine the unimaginable,

you’ll never know,

never know;

riding upon a magnificent horse,

in distant places with no name,

frustrated fires burning within,

innocent guilt replacing

moments of madness,

lost inside the maelstrom

with no way home,

rest easy my darling

soon it will be done,

soon enough it will be finished;

you’ll never know,

never know;

we scream into the wind,

searching for worlds

that do not exist,

running from the impending darkness,

unable to change,

unable to exist,

unable to love,

frustrated little gophers

scrambling from one hole

to another,

waiting for evening meals

complete with nighttime

wet dreams,

tucked safely in lairs of

complacent apathy,

we are nothing

but dissolving feces,

bubbling and fizzing

our way into nooks and crannies

of indelible majesty,

where only echoes may be heard,

complete with one-way dreams

of suburbia bliss,

surrounded by walls of

Utopian opulence;

innocent pawn,

rest your beautiful head

here in grieving arms,

sweet daughter of the night,

sister of the moon,

the morning sun does approach,

bringing forth its saving light,

and it is here that you belong,

where you shall shine

like the jewel you truly are,

you will never know my love,

never know.

.

.

We Miss You

though you never said a lot,

anyone could see there was something

more than met the eye,

that there was a brightly burning fire

smoldering inside;

that you were special;

we miss you already,

we miss the thought of you,

we miss the simple sweetness,

the quiet beauty,

your sad, expressive face,

your kind, gentle spirit,

your soft spoken demeanor,

the silent, reflective hopelessness,

the detached inner calmness,

the cold dispassionate passion,

the electric excitement of your

dazzling smile;

the little girl hiding

inside the woman;

we miss you as a person,

we miss you as a friend,

we miss you like a beloved sister,

we grieve for you like a lost daughter;

we miss you baby,

and always will.

.

.

Patti

everyone has a weakness,

everyone has a price;

eventually, everyone sells;

she is the most beautiful

woman in the world;

a queen,

a goddess;

she fascinates me,

she intrigues me,

she touches me in

unknown places,

places unseen,

she dances in my mind

like a lithe, fresh breath

of air;

when she smiles,

the world smiles;

when she laughs,

angels listen.

.

.

Choices

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.   Romans 12:21

“Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshipped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord.  But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Ammorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”   Joshua 24:14-15

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”   Matthew 7:13-14

the hot sun beats down,

the sweat slowly runs,

the anger and hatred grow,

the bitterness spreads,

life is finite,

all things come to an end,

we have no control

over the places or times,

the circumstances and situations,

it is there with every beat of our heart,

it speaks with every breath we take,

it is all that we are,

it is part of this life we live;

participation is not optional;

in the end we choose

the reaction, not the situation,

we choose the darkness

or the light,

we choose to control

or be controlled;

the truth or the lie;

the narrow road that leads to life;

or the broad road that leads to death;

choose wisely.

.

.

Infection

Jesus looked directly at them and asked. “Then what is the meaning of that which is written: ‘The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone?’ Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”   Luke 20:17-18

From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?”  Matthew 16:21-26

“To face what we are in the end, we stand before the light

and our true nature is revealed. Self-revelation is annihilation of self.”

Kathleen Conklin – ‘The Addiction’

we all stand afflicted,

hopelessly addicted,

ravaged and abused,

scourged and inflicted;

infected by the disease;

we choose this road

because that is who we are,

what we have become,

there simply is no other choice,

no other path;

a leopard cannot change

its spots,

nor can a flea become

a dog;

hopelessly addicted,

infected by the disease;

self-induced delusions,

self-abused illusions,

self-taught dreams,

self-righteous justification;

hopelessly addicted,

infected by the disease.

.

.

No More

who sees these shadows,

who knows this hunger?

every word,

every thought,

every feeling;

inadequate;

the day is gone,

the night moves on,

the bags all packed,

waiting for the final call;

like a cancer it grows,

this monster,

this disease,

this curse;

toxic,

poisonous,

deadly,

infecting everything

it touches;

if I could,

I would end it today,

before it destroys

everyone in its path;

once you go through

that door,

there’s no going back,

no return,

no tomorrow;

no more.

.

.

Beautiful Dream

like a carefully guarded secret,

she hides quietly within,

flowing like an underground river,

dancing like a butterfly on the

warm, southern wind;

mesmerizing and energizing,

a gentle whisper,

a bright white light,

fresh and clear,

a distant shining star,

twinkling in the cold black night;

my last pure thought,

my only reprieve,

when everything else has been

shattered or destroyed,

exposed and denied,

she is my silent refuge;

my beautiful dream.

.

.

The Only Way Out

“The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”   John 12:25

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”   John 14:6

I am tired,

really tired,

tired of fighting to

prove my worth,

tired of trying to be

something I will never be,

tired of caring what

the world thinks of me,

tired of being afraid,

tired of wondering what

tomorrow might bring,

tired of being a slave,

tired of fantasies

and illusions,

tired of listening to the

self-righteous, stick your head

in the sand, I’m ok,

you’re ok, look at me,

aren’t I special, individuals

who think that this world,

and the people in it

are basically good,

because they’re not;

human history

has proven that

over and over again;

this world was broke

a long time ago, and

there is only One Way

it will ever be fixed,

it will take a power

far beyond anything

this world will ever

possess;

truth?

real truth does not

change,

it never has,

it never will,

it is absolute,

it is irrevocable,

it is final,

it is beyond human

comprehension or thought,

it is a rock upon which

all who fall will be broken,

and all upon whom it falls

will be crushed,

only man-made truth

changes with the wind,

bouncing from one

theory to another,

one self-created god

to the next;

what sad, pathetic fools

we truly are,

created with so much

potential, yet settling

for so much less,

selling out for a few brief

moments of pleasure,

caving in to fears and desires,

trading truth for myth,

light for darkness;

life for death;

there is only one truth,

one hope,

a light set upon a hill,

an escape,

a reprieve,

a small, still voice in the

cold, dark night,

do not harden your heart;

do not turn away from the only

way out of this life.

.

.

Wasichus

Wasichus;

you have come without asking,

you have taken without giving,

plundering our land,

stealing our food,

go back from where you came;

until you have learned

some manners.

.

.

Power

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power.   I Corinthians 4:20

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”   Matthew 22:29

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.   2 Timothy 3:1-5

Your power is beyond all

that this world can comprehend,

like a philosophy or psychology,

we try to minimize who You really are,

sweeping You under man-made rugs,

placing You inside man-made boxes,

trying to restrain You with man-made

laws and traditions;

never understanding,

never knowing,

never able to fully acknowledge,

that everything we are,

everything we know,

exists only by Your

unfathomable mercy and grace,

through the unlimited power

of Your Word alone,

that every breath taken is a gift,

which can never be repaid;

through Your power,

I am given a taste of a world

free from sin,

a world of love and hope,

stripped of all its suffering and fear;

without hate,

without lust,

without greed;

through Your power,

I begin to understand,

through the Holy Spirit,

I start to see,

a world which my mind

cannot fully grasp,

an indescribable place,

prepared from the beginning

for those who love You,

a world that leaves me humbled,

perfect and pure,

beyond words,

without compare,

a world where I can only

fall down before You

and whisper;

my Lord,

my Master,

my King;

my Everything.

.

.

unresolved

the rain comes down,

I am inert;

helpless,

hopeless,

immobile;

stuffed like a thanksgiving

turkey,

boiling in juices not

of my own,

fed from dishes

better left unserved;

a fool for the taking;

you left me here

to rot,

never looking back

on your way out

the door,

you took everything

there was,

you took more than

I had to give;

you still do,

you always will;

soon enough it

will pass,

soon enough,

what once was

will be no more,

washed away

by flowing rivers

of unrelenting rain,

all that was,

all that never was,

all that could have been,

all that never will be;

lying at your doorstep,

empty at last.

.

.

This One's For You Scott

had a meeting today

with all the big boys,

it made me realize

just how small

I really am;

I sat there a long time

after that meeting,

just staring at the pages

of an open tech manual;

I thought about a good friend

I knew once,

I thought about the times

we got falling down drunk

together,

laughing our asses off, and

how I loved him like the brother

I never had,

I thought about how he sat in his car,

in the parking lot of the navy prototype

in upstate New York,

put a gun to his chest;

and pulled the trigger;

I thought about what he must have felt,

all the things which went through his head

in those last few seconds;

and now I knew;

now I knew what it felt like

to have your soul raped,

and be powerless to prevent it;

fuck all the big boys everywhere,

they got it all covered,

they always did,

but they ain’t gonna take me,

they never will,

no matter how much shit they pile on,

if you wait long enough

even this passes,

just like everything else;

this one’s for you Scott (brother).

.

.

Sifted

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”   Luke 22:31-32

another feeling,

another emotion,

another disappointment,

another lie;

I no longer know,

who or what I am,

I no longer see,

where I belong,

or where I need to be;

the darkness grows,

swallowing everything

in its path;

I can deny myself,

but I cannot deny You,

I can run from everything

and everyone,

but I cannot run from You;

everything I know,

falls away,

everything I am,

becomes less,

everywhere I go,

is nowhere;

there is nothing

without You;

like a light shining

in the night,

You lead me back,

guiding my steps,

restoring the hope,

calming the storm,

providing the only

reassurance I will

ever need;

there is nothing

without You.

.

.